May 27, 2002 ~~ AJ reminded Jason of how stupid he was. Jason said that if he had a brain left in his head, then maybe that comment would hurt his feelings. AJ then told Jason about Courtney and how wonderful she was and how she changed his life. Jason reminded AJ that only his love and Sonny's love could ever be pure, especially if they're rooted in anonymity and/or hatred. AJ walked away, muttering something about how he couldn't believe this jerk was the family's golden boy. Jason just banged a couple of rocks together and tried to make fire.

Sonny asked Carly what forgiveness felt like. "It feels like a moist vagina," Carly said. They then went upstairs to have sex. "It feels so different this time," Carly said afterwards. "Maybe because I didn't hate you this time," Sonny said. Carly smiled and kissed him and then asked why the sheets were so crusty. "Wanna fuck some more?" Sonny asked as a diversion. Carly offered Sonny her brightest smile. "You look just like Tracey Gold when you show your teeth that way," Sonny said admiringly. "I was going more for a Mary Kate and Ashley look, but that's okay," Carly said. "Fuck me, you fool!" Sonny said, and they did. They commented later on how pleased they were with how much they had both matured in their relationship.

Alexis felt queasy and nauseous and feared she might be pregnant but her symptoms subsided once Kristina left the room, so she figured maybe she was just as sick of her baby sister as WE are. She counted 40 days in her agenda until she could afford the down payment on a professional hit on Kristina and then sat down on the steps, sobbing in relief.  (TOP)

May 28, 2002 ~~ Alexis went to Kelly's and ordered peppermint tea and dry toast because she was feeling nauseous, even though Kristina was nowhere in sight. Sonny later walked in and had a quick coffee with her. "I'd hang around," he said, "but I just finished fucking Carly and I still haven't taken a shower." Alexis understood. ~~ Alexis went to the drugstore later and purchased a box of the Incredibly Inconspicuous Pregnancy Test, not because she thought she was pregnant but because she wanted something to hide the copy of Hot Beefy Latino Dudes she had hidden underneath.

Jax went to see Carly and demanded to know if she had staged the car accident. Carly was all offended. "What do I have to do to prove that it was real?" she demanded. "Tears? Crying? Pain? Agony? What would prove my terror to you?" Jax shrugged. "That stupid smirk on your face says more about your pain than a million tears ever could," he replied. Carly smirked some more to REALLY convey her pain.

Stare Boy showed up at the cabin and scared the bejeebers out of Skye. "Are you trying to intimidate me with that steely, blank stare of yours?" Skye stammered. "Nah," Stare Boy replied, "I always look like this." Skye held her own until Jax showed up and pointed out that Stare Boy was really her brother, Jason. "I thought I recognized you from the Sears Family Portrait!" Skye said. Jason blinked and told Skye to relay a  message to AJ that he better stay the heck away from Carly and Michael. He then tried to make a dramatic exit but the doors confused him. "It's a pull, not a push," Jax said. "Thank you," Stare Boy said. He then headed off to the barber shop for a trim and a shave before popping in at Kelly's with a box of chocolates, a dozen roses and a string quartet to serenade him as he stared at Liz.

Meanwhile, Carly and Michael prepared for Sonny's birthday party. "Sorry I stayed out all night having sex on my first night back with Michael," Carly told Leticia. "That's okay, Skank Ass," Leticia smiled. ~~ Sonny later showed up with apple turnovers and blew out the birthday candles with Michael. Carly got all uncomfortable and told Mikey to go into the kitchen with Mommatecia. "Will Mommy be here when I get back?" Mikey asked Sonny. "She sure will," Sonny smiled. "Fuck," Mikey said before heading into the kitchen. ~~ Carly didn't remember seeing Michael in Bobbie's backyard but she told Sonny she did remember ONE thing. "I remember seeing you and Alexis nekkie in bed," she said. "Nekkie?" Sonny laughed. "What are you, three years old?" Carly said she couldn't remember that, either. Tomorrow's betrayal/lies speeches have already been predicted by non-psychic viewers the country over.  (TOP)

May 29, 2002 ~~ Sarah and Liz had a perspiration-free cup of coffee at Kelly's, despite the fact that they had been jogging just a few minutes earlier. "Secret," Liz said. "Strong enough for a man but made for a woman," Sarah finished. The two girls dissolved into girlie giggles which then dissipated into the kind of awkward silence people feel when they hate the person they're stuck talking to. Sarah was relieved to see Liz's attention going towards the door and turned around to see what she was looking at. "That creepy fuck over there is staring at you," Sarah said, noticing the person at the door. "He always stares like that," Liz swooned, "cuz he's adorably brain-damaged!" ~~ Liz went to have a few words with the Starer at the door. "How are you?" the Starer asked. "Well, I was dating Pottsie for a while, but now that you're back in town, Fonzie, I feel ready for some loving," Liz said with moistened panties. "That's great, Pinky," Fonzie said before vanishing into the night. ~~ Sarah asked Liz if she and Fonzie once had a thing for one another and if it might not be a good idea to revisit that attraction so she herself wouldn't feel guilty about having sex with Lucky, should the opportunity arise. Liz was too flushed and faint to answer.

Carly told Sonny that she remembered seeing him and Alexis nekkie that night. "I went into your penthouse, thinking you were injured or worse," Carly sobbed, "cuz I heard Prince's 'Let's Pretend We're Married' on your stereo upstairs and I know how much you like listening to Prince when you're wounded or worse." Carly then explained that she went upstairs to check on him but instead caught a glimpse of him in the mirror with Alexis. "I didn't look for long, believe me," Carly said. "Five minutes at the most!" ~~ Sonny didn't deny that he and Alexis had sex and reminded Carly that she would have had sex with Zander if he hadn't rebuffed her. "It always has to be about ME," Carly sobbed. ~~ Sonny told Carly that he had made love with her the night before because he missed her and wanted her. "What we had last night," Sonny said, "was beautiful, condomless, sensual. Don't ruin it by pointing out the fact that my willy was barely dry from my night with Alexis." Carly said she didn't want him to mention her name with Alexis's because it made her sick. "It makes the viewers pretty damned sick, too," Sonny said. Viewers across the nation vomited.  (TOP)

May 30, 2002 ~~ Maxie lit candles and waited for Lucky in her halter top. In the middle of a math lesson about fractions and x's and y's, Maxie confessed her feelings to Lucky. "I want to fuck you, but GOOD," she said. Lucky replied that even though Maxie had grown into a very beautiful young woman, he would never be able to see her as anything other than a baby sister, and he didn't "do" sisters. Brothers, yeah, but not sisters. Maxie ran squealing out of the room but unfortunately looked both ways before running out into traffic.

Liz and Sarah waited at Kelly's for the arrival of their semi-blind dates, Darren and Winthrop. When the guys finally showed up, they almost killed each other trying to get to "the one with actual boobs." For once, Liz felt more popular than her sister. The girls were quickly turned off by the boys, however, when they mentioned that they wanted to bring curling to the US. "It's really popular in Canada," Winthrop said, prompting Canadians across the continent to simultaneously yell "Fricking liars!" at the same time. Liz faked some sort of weird seizure to get rid of the guys, who ran away squealing like, well, kinda like Maxie. "Do you believe those dinks were uncool enough to want to emulate CANADIANS?" Liz laughed. "Dinks," Sarah muttered. "Douche bags," Canada responded.

Alexis sat in the living room, staring at her Incredibly Inconspicuous Pregnancy Test Kit and spent a few minutes debating whether she should pee on it right there in the living room OR pee on it in the bathroom. She decided to bring it to the bathroom. Five minutes later, she checked the results and saw that there were two blue lines on the pee stick, indicating that she had been impregnated with extremely potent sperm. Across the hallway, Sonny's sperm swam around happily in his scrotum and high-five'd one another. "We're number one! We're number one!" they shouted obnoxiously.

Courtney went to see Sonny and asked him if he could promise that if anything happened to AJ, that he would NOT be behind it. Sonny just yelled something at Courtney about how, unlike AJ, Carly genuinely loved her kid, that whatshisface, and that she was a saint, dammit! A saint, I tells ya! "AJ is scum," Sonny continued, "and he does horrible things. Did you know that he once got shitfaced and passed out in an alley? Huh? Did your husband tell you THAT?" "Carly poured vodka on him and THREW him in the alley!" Courtney reminded him. "Shut uppa you face-a!" Sonny yelled ~~  Sonny yelled at Courtney about her asking too many danged questions and said that maybe she should go home and ask her husband about dummying the DNA results to make it look like Carly was dead. "Do you have any proof?" Courtney asked. "My scrotum is itchy and that's all the proof I need that AJ is behind this!" Sonny bellowed. Courtney reminded Sonny that *HE* ID'd Carly's body and asked him how the heck THAT happened! "Shut uppa you face-a," Sonny yelled. Courtney smirked and sneered at him and headed home. "How DID that happen?" Sonny whispered to his reflection in the mirror.

The Qs were delighted to see Jason, which of course sickened AJ completely. He reminded them all that Jason had threatened to kill him but they all shushed AJ and told him to shut up cuz it looked like Jason was going to speak. Jason just stared instead. AJ grabbed a letter opener and told Jason to kill him right there, since the Qs would cover for him anyway. Jason took the letter opener, looked at it, looked at AJ and then started opening the Q mail. "He's a numb nut!" AJ said incredulously. "I'm playing second fiddle to a freaking NUMB NUT!" ~~ Jason announced, "Me wan see Gwamma" and everyone cleared the room except Monica, who tried to bond with the numb nut. "It's nice that you want to see Lila," Monica said. "Me wan see you too," Jason said. "AJ be bad boy. Me wan' see Gwamma. AJ be bad boy. Me just murder. AJ be weally bad." Monica nodded and hugged him close. "Welcome home, Gomer Pyle," she whispered through her tears. ~~ Jason later met up with a bartender who allegedly saw Carly on the night she "died." Jason showed the man a Sears Portrait Studio picture of Carly and the man identified her for sure. "Yep," he said, "that's the girl. Same hair, same big mouth, same smirk." "Jason thank you," Jason said, "now Jason go kill." The bartender shrugged, stuck the $10 Jason offered him into his pocket and rambled off to get a lap dance.

Courtney walked in just in time to hear Monica berating AJ for marrying Courtney and insisting that he either divorce her OR move into a home of their own. A catfight broke out when Monica attacked the moral character of Courtney's mother, Janine, which prompted Courtney to kick Monica in the nuts, but really REALLY hard. "At least my mother knows who my father is!" Courtney laughed, which prompted Monica to readjust her testicles and let fly with a whopper left hook to Courtney's cheek. Despite the fact that Monica was involved, both AJ and Alan found themselves reluctantly aroused. (TOP)

May 31, 2002 ~~ Everyone showed up at Kelly's for a little celebration of the fact that Carly was alive and not even kind of dead. "I'm just here for Bobbie," Liz said. "We're here for Bobbie, not Carly," Felicia said. "I don't care about Carly; I'm just here for Bobbie," Scott said. "Me here for Cheez Doodle," Jason said.

 Bobbie and Scott had a giggly old time writing cryptic messages on Bobbie's clipboard. "YMMMITP," Bobbie scribbled. "What does that mean?" Scott asked. "You make me moist in the panties," Bobbie said. Scott took the clipboard and wrote, "IMMMITPT." "What does that mean?" Bobbie asked. "I make myself moist in the panties too," Scott replied. They looked at each other and couldn't contain their lust anymore. The engaged in a passionate kiss that made everyone at Kelly's simultaneously go, "ewwwwwwwww!" until Bobbie reminded them all that what was a Death Party without a little sex? ~~ With those words, Sarah deliberately poured pop all over her dress so she could go upstairs and undress in Lucky's room; Lucky deliberately shot 36 pictures of the back of Tony Jones's head so he'd have an excuse to go upstairs and get some more film AND squeeze a quickie in with Sarah. Maxie followed Sarah and Lucky upstairs so she could listen at the door while they had sex. Liz flirted with Jason to see if what he had in his pants worked any better than what he had between his ears. And thus, the Welcome Back, Carly! party turned into the Who Gives A Shit If Carly Is Alive, I Wanna Get My Rocks Off! party. A wonderful time was had by all.

AJ was disgusted when Monica slapped Courtney across the face for daring to imply that Monica once had sex without her strap-on on. "That's a filthy, filthy lie!" Monica screamed. Courtney went to pack a bag so she and Rosie and AJ could leave forever, and while she was upstairs, the family badgered AJ to let Courtney leave while AJ would stay behind and be the family's bitch a little longer. AJ stunned everyone by choosing to leave with Courtney instead. They went to AJ's hotel room/penthouse deal and smooched a little. AJ was surprised to realize that he had genuine feelings for Courtney and commented aloud that this would be the first time they ever REALLY made love. "What do you  mean by that?" Courtney demanded. "I mean that, uh, it'll be the first time we make love without Rosie watching," AJ said. He kissed his wife and held her close and thanked God for blessing him with quick thinking.

Jason told Carly that he knew she had faked her death, but Carly insisted that she didn't fake her death; she just stayed away longer than she should have. She went to the closet, sniffed a bag of onions and tried to force a tear out of her eye as she conveyed to Jason the story of her car flying through the air, water seeping into her car and adrenalin helping her escape from the watery grave. Jason didn't blink once. Carly said she simply wanted to make Sonny hurt by thinking she was missing. "What about the pain you caused Michael and Bobbie?" Jason asked. "Well, Michael has Leticia and Bobbie had her collection of Sears Portrait Studio pictures of me, so it's not like they suffered THAT much," Carly reminded him. Jason asked Carly to kneel and after saying a few Hail Mary's, forgave her for her sins. Carly arose from being forgiven and said she felt so much stronger and more mature now and she would never EVER be mean to another living soul for as long as she lived. ~~ Later, at Kelly's, Carly grabbed Alexis's arm and snarled and sneered at her a bit. Her maturity radiated from her like a lighthouse during a fog storm. (TOP)