June 3, 2002 ~~ Luke and Laura skipped Bobbie's party so they could hot rod across the countryside instead. Laura was angry with Luke because he kept avoiding the subject of when they would get married. "You better not be this evasive when we're married," Laura snarled. "When we're married, darlin'," Luke said, "we'll be the perfect boring couple." As Luke tried to fix the car, Laura asked him if he wiggled the red thingy. "I wiggled the red thingy," Luke said, "in the shower, last night." Laura blushed.

Sarah and Lucky succumbed to their highly manufactured sexual chemistry and Maxie was there to witness the foreplay. She ran downstairs to tell Liz that Sarah and Lucky were in bed together, so Liz ran up the stairs and burst into Lucky's room just in time to see the two of them lighting up cigarettes. "That was the quickest fuck known to mankind," Liz said. Liz chastised them for not lighting candles or playing Prince music and stormed out of there just in time to run into Jason. She called him Calgon and asked him to take her away. "Borg like Calgon," Jason grunted. "Oh shut up," Liz said. ~~ Later, Maxie snarled at Felicia about ruining her life; Felicia hired Monica to bitch-slap her.

The ever-mature Carly grabbed Alexis' arm and Alexis fell to the ground when she yanked her arm away from Carly's vice-like grip. Jax, Ned and Kristina arrived just in time to witness Alexis falling. They asked Alexis if she was all right and she said that she MIGHT have a baby, err, a boo-boo and asked Ned to bring her to the hospital. Kristina was all jealous that Alexis was stealing the limelight away from her and her new shag haircut. "Sometimes Alexis annoys me," Kristina said. Viewers the world over laughed their asses off.

Jason warned Carly to tell Sonny the truth about where she had been while she was missing, and Carly started going into her "car flying through the air / freezing cold water pouring in" story again, which made Jason flee in terror. Later, in Sonny's penthouse, Carly decided that instead of telling the truth, she'd have sex with Sonny. Sonny figured a good blow job would more than compensate for any lies she might be telling but reconsidered when he felt some inadvertent tooth action near his balls. (TOP)

June 4, 2002 ~~ Jax congratulated Skye for getting the highest score ever in Whack-a-Mole, and told her that her video games skills were pretty impressive, too. Skye tried to repay Jax's kindness by whacking his mole again, but Jax told her that it wasn't  necessary for her to repay him with lovemaking. "A quick hand job will be fine," he said. Skye batted her eyelashes up at him and got out the Lubriderm.

Liz and Jason started to make out. "Borg have boner," Jason grunted. Liz cut the sex short, though, when she realized that she wasn't Carly and therefore wasn't capable of revenge sex. "I want this to mean more," Liz said. "Borg too stupid to understand it mean more," Jason said. Jason told Liz to go paint the wind, but in a really sarcastic voice that made it sound more like a veiled "Fuck you." Liz just smiled and wondered how such a brain dead man could be so incredibly poetic.

Luke and Laura counselled an eloping couple and asked for their address so they could keep in touch and send them a bill for their advice. The couple decided against eloping since they knew they'd regret not having had a big wedding, which in turn made Laura realize that she wanted a big wedding, too, cuz there was no way in heck that eloping twit was going to outdo HER, dagnabbit! Luke was a little frustrated with the way Laura was always changing her mind, but softened when Laura reminded him that little whatsherface really wanted to be a flower girl at their wedding. "We can't let little whatsherface down," Luke agreed. Instead of heading home to SEE little whatsherface, the couple decided to have sex in a heart-shaped Jacuzzi.

Courtney kept talking cutesy baby talk to Rosie, which made AJ slightly jealous. "I have my satin pants on," AJ said. "Do you hear that, Rosie? AJ had his satin pants on! Yes he does! Yes he does!" Courtney said in her cutesiest voice. "Stop talking to the dog and pay some attention to me," AJ sighed. "Duddee hear that? AJ's getting jealous! Yed he is! Yed he is!" Courtney said. ~~ Edward showed up and tried to talk AJ into sticking to their plan to trade Courtney for Michael. "I won't do it!" AJ said, but he did offer to give Rosie up in exchange for some ELQ stock. Edward just laughed maniacally in AJ's face. "You're stuck with the dog," Edward snarled. AJ shuddered and shook in his pants, especially when Courtney came out of the bedroom saying, "Dud AJ wan' go bed? Yed he does! Yed he does!" AJ wondered if it was too late to flag Edward down, but decided to have sex instead. (TOP)

June 5, 2002 ~~ Liz showed her outie to Jason and Jason showed his outie to Liz. Luckily, they wore condoms -- or "pretty eggshell balloonies," as Jason called them -- during the entire procedure. ~~ Carly later asked Liz if she had seen Jason and when Liz tried to walk away from her, Carly tucked her nine-inch cock between her legs, grabbed Liz's arm and asked Liz if she wanted to rumble. "What is this, Grease?" Liz laughed. Zander overheard and rushed over: "Can I be Danny Zuko?" Carly looked at them contemptuously and stormed off in her big old army boots to find Jason.

Courtney woke up and was worried when she felt the empty spot in the bed beside her and wondered where Rosie was. She was relieved to see her widdle baby with AJ and thanked him for warming up Rosie's Purina in the microwave and serving it to her on a red velvet-lined tray. ~~ Later, Taggert and some dink from the federal government came in to seize AJ's assets, as Edward had filed a complaint that AJ had embezzled from the Quartermaines. Edward told AJ to just listen to him and get Michael back at all costs. "As long as I have Rosie, I don't need Michael," AJ solemnly swore. AJ was thus forced to choose between staying penniless with Courtney OR returning to the Q house and being Edward's bitch. AJ decided that Courtney had MUCH nicer breasts than Edward and chose her hooters over Edward's money. Courtney cheered. Rosie tinkled. (TOP)

June 6, 2002 ~~ Ned worried about Alexis as he pored over an issue of BillBox magazine. Kristina minced around in her grandmother's black slip while perusing a copy of Entertainment Shmeekly. No copyright infringement was observed.

Zander spied on Jason and Carly as they shared a boner-less hug and accused them of stabbing Sonny in the back. "Borg think Zander have big mouth," Jason said. "Oh, he's just upset cuz I didn't fuck him," Carly said and went back to hugging Jason while attempting to press her bosom against him. Sonny and Zander then took turns trying out-Emmy Reel one another. Sonny did his best Al Pacino impression, bellowing at Zander that the whole freaking system was out of order, while Zander did his best Young Soap Actor impression, thanking the voters for their faith in him. In the background, Carly fondled Jason's man parts.

AJ and Courtney had no breakfast outside of Kelly's. AJ was discouraged because Edward confiscated all of his money, and refused to allow Courtney to pawn her wedding ring for some spare cash. AJ attempted to cuddle with Rosie, but Rosie just knocked her Tupperware dish over and demanded to know where the fuck her red velvet-lined serving tray was and why she was eating dry kibble when she wanted that gravy stuff. AJ went over to Janine's to ask for the money back that he had given her to endorse a marriage to her daughter, but Janine told him to get lost. No sooner had AJ left than the real reason for Janine's harshness came out of the bathroom: Edward Quartermaine and his frightening Ed Asner eyebrows. "You did good, Janine," Edward said. "Oh please, Mr. Grant, just get your eyebrows out of my hotel room!" Janine sobbed. Viewers everywhere removed their hands from their eyes and were relieved to see the Eyebrow Monster had gone away. (TOP)

June 7, 2002 ~~ Courtney told AJ that she wanted to try getting a job at Kelly's, but AJ told her that waitressing was beneath her. "With those hooters," he said, "you should really consider stripping." Courtney smiled brightly and said she'd think about it. She approached Liz about the possibility of working at Kelly's, and Liz was very kind and courteous with her. "Aren't you going to tell me that my husband is a baby killer?" Courtney asked. "No," Liz replied. Courtney was a little disappointed and hoped that Liz would at least show SOME interest in her. Liz, however, was too preoccupied with Sarah's earlier visit to Kelly's to try to make amends. "Listen," Liz snarled at her sister, "the Audrey Hepburn look? That's mine!" Sarah sniffled.

Lucky and Gia had fun at their photo shoot. Lucky took the opportunity to tell Gia that he was over Nikolas and that his heart had mended. Nikolas arrived at that very moment with a bouquet of flowers. He decided to give them to Gia instead of Lucky, cuz giving them to Lucky after overhearing THAT speech would just make him look silly.

Carly went down to Kelly's and tried to talk to Zander, who smirked at her and walked away. Amazingly, Carly did NOT grab his arm and force him to listen to her flap her gums. She did follow him down to the docks and told him that since Steve Burton was back and Jason was back and Guza was back, there was no need for him to exist anymore. "I thought we had a friendship," Zander said. "Well, that's kinda being revised now so that you'll be re-written as my Jason substitute," Carly announced. Zander shook his head. "I clenched my jaw and ruined my teeth for you and Sonny," he bellowed. "We'll pay your dental bills," Carly said. Zander decided to betray Sonny instead, as this would give the writers an opportunity to vilify him even more and make Jason seem like more of a good guy than he already is. Zander accepted $20 and two front-row tickets to "The Producers" from Roscoe in exchange for information on Sonny's business. Jason lurked. "Can Borg beat Zander up now?" he asked the director. "Stay in character," the director whispered.

Ned went to visit Alexis and asked her if she would please tell him what was wrong. She responded by leaving. Ned then approached Sonny and asked him to please tell him WHY Alexis was so upset. "If Alexis wanted you to know something, she'd tell you," Sonny said. "Heh," Ned replied with a satisfied smirk, "so you don't know either, huh?" Sonny wiped a lone tear from his cheek and confessed that no, he didn't know either. "I need a hug," Sonny said. Ned just walked away from him. ~~ Later, Alexis decided that Sonny had to know that he was the father of her baby and went to his door. Sonny came down from his quickie fuckfest with Carly, who immediately lurked jealously at the top of the stairs to overhear his conversation with Alexis. Carly was stunned to see her reflection in the mirror, as the Coven of Vampires had told her that such a thing would be impossible. Meanwhile, viewers everywhere were riveted by the goings-on on The Guiding Light. (TOP)