June 10, 2002 ~~ Elizabeth was kind to AJ again. The manager of Kelly's warned her to watch herself or be fired. Liz promised to tell AJ to fuck off the next time he showed his face.

Sonny ordered Jason to go beat the crap out of everyone who had ever betrayed him. "Including Carly?" Jason asked. "No, spare her," Sonny said. "She gives good head." He then nudged Jason in the ribs while Jason pretended to know what the heck Sonny was talking about.

Alexis decided she should tell Sonny that she was pregnant and went to his apartment to tell him, but Carly flapped her bat wings and descended upon them, clutching at Sonny jealously. Alexis looked at Carly and asked Sonny if Carly wasn't wearing the same shirt SHE wore the night SHE slept with him. "Yeah it is," Sonny said. Alexis and Sonny enjoyed a hearty laugh. ~~ Carly later whined at Sonny about Alexis. "Shut uppa you face!" he yelled. "Canna you no see I be a-chewing my-a cudda?" He then went back to eating his apple while Carly waited obediently for permission to speak again.

Jax went to see Ned at the gym and told Ned to have dinner with Alexis and see how it felt to be with her again. Ned shrugged the idea off and asked Jax if he felt like taking a steam. "I thought you'd never ask," Jax said. ~~~ Feeling guilty, Ned later showed up at the hospital with some flowers for Kristina but she was nowhere to be found. He approached Tony Jones and asked him if he wouldn't mind taking a break from his busy schedule of saving lives to go track Kristina down for him. "Anything to get some air time!" Tony beamed, and off he scooted down the hallway to find Ned's girlfriend for him. (TOP)

June 11, 2002 ~~ Edward's Russian concubine, Petra, was very wary of Jax when he showed up at the office to see Edward. Edward explained that Petra had been hired because of her fleeting resemblance to Heather Graham. "Boogie Nights was one of my favorite movies," Edward explained. "It WAS a damned good flick," Jax agreed and checked Petra for roller skates. ~~ After Petra roller-bladed out of the room, Jax warned Edward to leave Skye alone or he'd have his ass thrown in jail. Just then, Evil Lila was wheeled in by Reginald and demanded to speak to Jax alone. She then pressed a secret button on her wheelchair that released poisonous gas into the air and made Jax bend to her very will. "If Edward is having sex with Petra, you must have sex with me," Lila said. Jax promptly unzipped his pants. Reginald averted his eyes.

Ned waited for Kristina to show up and ran into Dr. Blabbermouth who let the cat out of the bag that Alexis had a "condition." Just as Ned was about to pump him for more information, Kristina showed up and accused Ned of sticking his nose in Alexis' business. Ned promptly looked around for a kettle.

Jason and Zander met up in the fog. Zander provoked Jason into violence by mocking his Death Stare and pointing out that the fog was making his hair a little frizzy. "Borg no like being taunted," Jason said. An extremely phony fight scene ensued in which Jason flapped his arms like a girlie dolphin and Zander attempted to protect both his ribcage AND his hair at the same time. The ribs were broken but the hair was spared.

Sonny and Carly remembered that they had a son and made arrangements to have supper with him that night. They figured that maybe Jason might also like to see Michael, seeing as though he raised him in his infancy and all that stuff. Carly pretended to get on the elevator, but immediately got off and went to Alexis' penthouse. "Why are you here?" Alexis sighed. "Because you don't seem to get what's going on," Carly snarled. "I am an extremely jealous, insecure and whiny woman, got it? And the sooner you get that through your big fat head, the better." Carly then turned on her heel and made a dramatic exit, slamming the door shut and waiting ten minutes in the hallway for the elevator to come back up.

 Alexis interrogated herself and came to the conclusion that she was talking to herself

 Michael was introduced to Jason by Sonny. "Can you say hi?" Sonny asked condescendingly to Jason. Jason managed to utter out an H sound. Michael was a little perturbed when he saw Sonny and Carly arguing. "Are you guys fighting?" he asked. "Oh no, we love each other," Carly explained with a sweet smile, "and often when people love each other, they pick at each other until the skin becomes infected and pus oozes out of the sores and everything becomes all toxic and stuff. Don't worry about it, son." Michael just rolled his eyes and gave Carly the finger when her back was turned. ~~ Sonny, Jason and Carly had a merry old time pretending to enjoy Michael's company. When Leticia came down to announce that it was time for Mikey to have his bath, all three heaved a huge sigh of relief and said they couldn't wait for the little fucker to leave the room so they could bask in their collective ugliness again. (TOP)

June 12, 2002 ~~ Taggert interrupted Sonny, Carly and Jason's dinner party to announce that Zander had been beaten up and did the three of them know anything about it? Carly told Taggert to get the hell out of her house so they could get back to their little hatefest, but she remembered that at one time Zander had kind of been nice to her, so she decided to go visit him at the hospital. She realized that Sonny WAS responsible for having Zander beaten up and was just self-absorbed enough to think it was because they had almost had revenge sex one night. Sonny rolled his eyes and said, "Duh! He got beaten up for betraying me to Roscoe! He deserves to die for that! Anyone who betrays me deserves to die!" Carly hoped Sonny forgot all about her little turning-him-in-to-the-FBI practical joke thing and quickly sucked his mouth really hard with her own in a desperate attempt to remove all memories from his cranium. "That's-a nice-a kiss-a," Sonny said. Carly tried to maintain her determined composure, but ended up folding like cheap Wal-Mart lawn chairs on a hot Mississippi lawn.

Liz and Lucky ran into each other on the docks. Lucky tried to have a civilized conversation with her and told her that what happened between him and Sarah wasn't planned. "I don't care that you had sex with my sister," Liz said, "I'm just stunned that you chose her over me. I mean, LOOK AT ME, for pete's sake! I'm hot!" Lucky had no retort. ~~ Liz later ran into Jason and told him that she didn't care if he beat Zander up; she just wanted the truth from him. Jason told Liz to stop asking so many questions that he couldn't possibly answer. "You're so sweet for not wanting to get me involved," Liz smiled. "It's not THAT," Jason said. "Me have no brain. Me no know how answer questions." Liz tried to maintain her defiant and stalwart composure but one look in Jason's staring eyes and she folded like freshly-washed laundry on a hot Mississippi afternoon.

Luke went to see Helena in prison but tricked her into admitting she wasn't Helena after all but Helena's cousin, Patty Dukeadine. Luke couldn't deny that he found this Helena hot anyway. Meanwhile, Laura fretted over losing her engagement ring. "Maybe it slipped off my finger," she said to Bobbie. "What do you think of my new  haircut?" Bobbie asked. Laura rolled her eyes and wondered why the heck she EVER allows Bobbie into her home.

Alexis confronted Sonny in the hospital and told him that she knew he had ordered Zander be beaten up. Sonny shrugged and possibly mumbled. Alexis was disgusted by him and told him he was cold-hearted, cruel and not particularly well-hung. Sonny mumbled something and shrugged. Soap mags across the country nominated him Performer of the Week for his versatile portrayal of a man in conflict.

June 13, 2002 ~~ Elton arrived at Laura's house, acting particularly fruity and flustered because the church they had reserved had some sort of plumbing problem. Elton flounced around a bit more and told Laura that he would give her the wedding of the century if it KILLED him. "What do you think of my new haircut?" Bobbie asked as Elton zoomed by. "You're over 40," Elton replied on his way by. Bobbie pretended not to hear.

Lolita Scorpio headed over to Roy's house and told him that Felicia thought he was hot. Felicia then came by and told Maxie that she was grounded, which led to eardrum-piercing whining and histrionics on Maxie's part. Felicia later went back to Roy's place to apologize for the way Maxie had behaved and said that it was probably best if they didn't work together. Roy said he didn't mind Maxie coming around but for the love of all things Guzafied, could she PLEASE insist her daughter never EVER wear that putrid halter top again!? Felicia crinkled her nose and said she never said that she thought Roy was hot. Roy said he DID think Felicia was hot. Felicia then said that then, well, maybe she DID think Roy was hot, TOO! Roy then said that if she thought HE was hot and he thought SHE was hot, then they probably thought they were HOT. Felicia agreed.

Carly went to see Jason at Jake's and noted that his bedsprings still squeaked in the exact same way when they had anonymous sex up there years before. "Borg no like squeak," Jason said. Carly told him she didn't pay him to talk and spread her legs. It was a touching moment. Nay, it was THE MOST TOUCHING MOMENT ever in the history of General Hospital EVER. ~~ Meanwhile, Alexis told Sonny that she was moving out at the end of the month because he had ordered Zander beaten up. Sonny shrugged and mumbled and then mumbled and shrugged. "Good for you," Closed Captioning indicated he said. "Go fuck yourself," my own version of Closed Captioning indicated Alexis saying back.