General Shmospital Recap: June 17-21

June 17, 2002 ~~ Jason went to see Liz and looked all constipated when he saw Zander in the studio with her. Jason told Liz that Zander was a lot more trouble than he was worth and yet amazingly enough, no lightning bolt came through the window to strike him dead. Liz said she'd make up her own mind, thank you very much, which caused Jason to think that maybe Liz just needed a good beating. Later on, Jason threatened Liz by doing doughnuts in the studio parking lot with his motorcycle. The "Mrs. Gulch" music from The Wizard of Oz played as Jason doughnutted.

Alexis discussed her pregnacy with Ned and told him she was considering passing the baby off as someone else's. She also asked him not to tell Kristina about it. "I'm trying to minimize the amount of contact I have with that numb nut," Alexis said. Ned understood. Alexis almost panicked when she thought that Ned was going to profess his love for her and then got bitchily disappointed when he said he wanted to explore his relationship with Kristina after all. "It's your funeral," Alexis said. "Yes it is," Ned replied with a far-away look in his eyes.

Carly got pissed off at her ob/gyn. "How dare you tell me I shouldn't reproduce!" Carly yelled. "I said you COULDN'T reproduce," Dr Meadows sighed, "but now that you mention it ..." Carly responded to the news by running into the rain in the vain hope that her ugly dress would shrink and she'd never have to wear it again. Sonny joined her outside and said she looked good all wet and that maybe they should have sex with a condom. "Forget the condom, I'm sterile," Carly sobbed but the ferocity of the rain machines drowned out her confession.

June 18, 2002 ~~ Felicia showed up at Roy's apartment looking all cute and ready to paint the place. Felicia asked Roy if he thought she looked hot in her jeans and tshirt, but it wasn't until Roy saw Felicia bent over a box and showing significant cleavage that he replied that yes, he did indeed find her quite hot-looking. Felicia was nervous because when she opened the box, she had seen tons of money stored in there and panicked when Roy said he wanted to throw the box out. "Don't you want to know what's in there?" she asked. "Naked pictures of my coke-addicted stripper sister?" Roy pondered. Felicia checked inside the box to make sure. "Nope, it's money," she announced. Roy made his Roy face; Felicia made her Felicia face and they both just looked unbearably fucking cute.

Skye once again jumped to conclusions about Jax, who told her that whether she liked it or not, he was going to help her take Edward down because she was "just a girl and girls don't know how to do this kind of corporate raider stuff." Skye batted her eyelashes and agreed that big old Jax was probably right about that. Jax got angry with Skye for questioning him again and said that he was done trying to reassure her about his feelings for her. "If twenty pokes from the old Jaxulator hasn't convinced you, then there's not much else I can do," he announced.

Courtney was all geared up for her first day of work at Kelly's, since she'd never seen more than two people in there before at one time, but she was all freaked when the place crowded up with people. AJ asked her for bus fare and she pinned a dollar to his underwear, gave him his PB&J sandwich and told him not to be home later than five. ~~ Meanwhile, Generic Bitchy Customer #1 complained about her eggs not being cooked properly and within moments, Jason swooped down out of nowhere and laid a plate of barely-eaten over-easy eggs on her table. "There's bite marks in this toast!" Generic Bitchy Customer #1 complained. "You want I should beat you up?" Jason said. Generic Bitchy Customer #1 immediately dug into the eggs while silently saying 47 Hail Marys if her life would only be spared. ~~ In a moment of Guzafication, Courtney hung all over Jason and asked if there was anything -- and she meant ANYTHING! -- that she could do to make it up to him. Jason asked for a new breakfast. Courtney asked if there was anything ELSE she could do for him and then wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. Just then, AJ came in the door and asked Courtney why she was flirting so outrageously with his brother, Jason. "Well, he DID threaten to kill you," Courtney smiled, "and he gave that customer over their his eggs and threatened to beat HER up, too! What's a girl to do?" AJ sniffled a little, causing Courtney to take a tissue from her apron and dab at his eyes. "Blow," she said, putting the tissue against AJ's nose. "I wish I had a woman like that," Jason sobbed silently.

June 19. 2002 ~~ Carly sniffled to Jason about the bad news that she would never be able to bear children again. "Just when I'm ready to have a baby by someone I've known for more than 24 hours, I can't have any babies," Carly snarled. "It's just not fair," Jason agreed. Carly then went into a big diatribe about how this was all AJ's fault because of that time he shoved her down the Quartermaine staircase and force-fed her a stick of dynamite, causing her fallopian tubes to explode out of her body and hurl themselves directly into Sonny's face. "The way AJ cackled," Carly began, before dissolving into tears. "The way he twirled his moustache," Jason added. "He had a moustache back then?" Carly asked. Jason shrugged, "I dunno. I thought since YOU were making stuff up ..." ~~ Later, when people complimented Carly on her great club, she burst into tears, beat her tiny fists against her stomach and cried out, "Oh cursed, cursed, foul-stenched club! Why must thou mocketh me while I carry a dead womb, unable to fertilize the seed of thou that I loveth mosteth?" Everyone applauded. "No I'm serious," Carly snarled, "I'd give this club up in a minute if I could just be barefoot and pregnant."

Later, Nikolas stood cockily and rubbed his chin with his hand as he watched Gia blow the Tempo people away with her beauty and ability to smile seductively. Nikolas felt like a big old Svenjolly, complete with a muse at his feet and a lurking brother in the bushes. Nik and Lucky almost came to blows but decided to put sex on the backburner for a minute while they argued. "Do you love Gia more than you love me?" Lucky asked. "Be honest. I won't cry." Nikolas confessed that he was "over Lucky" and that Gia was his only focus now. A single tear fell down Lucky's cheek. "I thought you said you weren't going to cry," Nik said. "I lied," Lucky sobbed. ~~ Later, Lucky worked with an uptight bitch from hell and whined to Sarah that this Chanel chick wouldn't make love to his camera." Sarah just shrugged and wondered how anyone as obviously jonesing as the Chanel chick could EVER get hired for a photo shoot.

Felicia and Roy were stunned when Taggert showed up at Roy's apartment. "There's no money in this box I'm sitting on," Felicia said, giving Roy a thumbs up sign. "Yes, there is no money in that box she is sitting on," Roy added, giving Felicia the Thumbs Up back. "I gotta stop hanging around dorky white people," Taggert said, and told Roy to either pay his overdue parking tickets or suffer Taggert's wrath. After Taggert left, Felicia and Roy hugged. "I don't think he suspected a thing!" Felicia grinned. "Damn, you're good," Roy said, and slowly starting humping against Felicia's leg.

June 20, 2002 ~~ Laura asked Luke his opinions on their second wedding and admitted to being hesitant about the whole thing herself. "You mean you're having second thoughts?" Luke asked hopefully. "No," Laura replied. "Dammit," Luke sniffed. ~~ Laura later confessed that she thought the wedding would be more meaningful if Rick was there to walk her down the aisle again. Leslie gave Laura Rick's phone number and told her to give him a call, no matter how uncomfortable his presence would make Leslie. Laura called Rick, who agreed to give her away at her wedding provided that he let Laura give him a tour of the attic and play with Mr Wiggley Thing again. "Rick is SO NICE!" Laura gushed after she hung up. Ominous, foreboding music would have played to signify that Rick is, in fact, anything BUT so nice, but the point was already made by the Mr Wiggley Thing comment and Laura's subsequent innocent gushing.

Mikey ran into Carly's bedroom and was thrilled to see Sonny is Carly's bed. "Aw we gon' be wike a WHEEL FAMWY?" he said adorably. Sonny hugged him close and whispered in his ear, "Next time KNOCK, you little fucker. Your Mom and I like to have sex. A LOT!" Michael then asked if Sonny and Carly were going to give him a baby brother or sister to push around and bully. "Where do you get such terrible ideas?" Carly smiled. "Probably from you," Sonny snarled at her. "From me? More likely from YOU, you misogynistic bastard!" Carly shot back. "Ha! YOU'RE the one who never spends time with the little bastard," Sonny snarled. Mikey snuggled up in between them and fell asleep, lulled into a comforting dream by the sound of love in the house again. ~~ Sonny and Carly decided to fly to Martinique and renew the vows that were never broken because to have them actually be divorced as written several weeks earlier would cause Bob Guza to have to write new scenes and shit. Just as Carly was about to pack her thong, the phone rang and Mercy Hospital said Carly could come in that night for exploratory surgery. Carly cancelled the Martinique plans, telling Sonny that something had come up at her "cursed club." Later, Alexis asked Sonny why his mobster ass wasn't at the hospital with Carly. Sonny blushed a deep red cuz as Carly's husband, he should know this stuff. Alexis smiled a self-satisfied smile, rubbed her tummy and told her baby that its father was one hell of a prick.