*sigh*

Emily and Zander met in the boathouse and prepared to run away together. Emily brought a month's supply of Pixie Stix and Mountain Dew for the long trip ahead of them. "Good thinking," Zander said and dumped HIS stash of beef jerky, dehydrated vegetable soup and water. Emily showed Zander the assortment of disguises she had brought for them to try on to conceal their identities from the authorities. Zander put on a black knit cap, fondled a fake passport and $7000 in cash and said, "Look at me, I'm OJ Simpson! Look at me, Emily!" Emily laughed so hard that she just about pee'd her pants. Meanwhile, Edward barged in on Em and Zander as they were kissing and started going after Zander with the fireplace poker that Edward now keeps in a holster attached to his truss. Skye came in and calmed Edward down, saying that SHE was the one who invited Zander over, figuring it was better for Zem to meet on the Q grounds where they would be safe rather than sneaking off to meet elsewhere. Edward lurked back to Monica's house while Skye slipped into the boathouse and gave Zem the money they would need to run away with. Emily sniffled and told Skye she was SO glad to have such a manipulative, conniving and RICH older sister. Skye was so touched that she almost told Emily to stay. Zander said he was sorry he'd be leaving town without ever having had sex with Skye. Skye wondered how the heck she'd live without these two amazing kiddies.

Felicia the dancing ham pranced across her living room floor and tried to be cool with Luke when he called her to try and explain about their phone call the night before. Luke decided to bring out the big guns and went to see Flea at her home, carrying with him a bunch of flowers. Luke then offered to fix Flea's washing machine as a way of getting into her house. He took a look at the washing machine and explained to Flea that she had to PULL the little Start button when she wanted to do laundry, NOT try to push it in even further into the machine. He pulled the knob, the "Start" light lit up and Flea clapped her hands delightedly in glee. "Ooooh, lighties!" she exclaimed. Luke then explained to Flea that he had been in the process of divorcing Laura the night before and that THAT was why he had been so abrupt with her on the phone. When Maxie yelled downstairs that she needed help with her hair, Luke yelled up at her to keep her "big fat yappety yap SHUT for a fucking minute!" Flea looked at him in admiration. "You're so manly," she smiled. Luke clubbed her over the head affectionately with a wrench and told Flea she wasn't so bad herself.

Carly went to the Deception offices and told Laura she was ready to come back to work. Laura informed Carly that Sonny had sold her Carly's share of the Deception stock and that Carly wasn't a partner anymore. Carly then tried her best to throw her weight around and accuse Laura of back-stabbing her, but unfortunately Carly had no weight to throw around. "God, being 95 pounds seemed like such a good idea when I owned 49% of Deception!" she sobbed and then stuffed a plate of Brownies in her mouth. Laura watched in amazement and reminded Carly not to vomit after she finished the Brownies. "Do I tell you how to live YOUR life?" Carly asked with a full mouth. Meanwhile, Scotty came over to pick up the divorce papers so that he could file them. He told Carly to take her plate of Brownies OUT of the office so he could have a moment alone with Laura. Carly told Laura she'd be back, dammit, but with all those Brownies in her mouth and cake crumbs all over her face, Carly hardly made a threatening presence. Scotty asked Laura if she was 100% sure she wanted him to file the divorce papers. Laura said yes, her eyes filling with tears. "Welcome to the single world," Scotty said. "Gee, THANKS, shitface," Laura said contemptuously.

Meanwhile, on the Island, Sonny finally went to the bathroom all by himself, which disappointed Angel a little bit. They celebrated with a meal that Angel had prepared especially for him -- strained peas, apple sauce and a little bit of minced veal. Sonny was thrilled and asked Angel if she had any Enya music they could listen to while they ate. "Enya!?" Angel exclaimed. "ENYA! Oh my gosh, I LOVE Enya!" They sat and ate over the sound of unintelligible New Age lyrics about trees and spirits and yadda yadda and Sonny finally admitted that maybe he hadn't meant Enya at all. Angel asked Sonny about his late wife and said he must have loved her very much. Sonny shrugged. "No more or less than I love my sofa at home," he said with a mouthful of minced veal. Angel sighed romantically and went into town to pick up a prescription for Sonny. In Port Charles, Carly ran into Angel's car and the two women finally came face to face. The moment was every bit as anti-climactic as viewers thought it would be.

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The General Hospital roof -- where many a Port Charles junkie has gone to die and many a horny teenaged couple has gone to fuck -- was the setting for this year's Nurse's Ball after the Versailles Room was allegedly flooded. The GH men put on their NB t-shirts and helped set up patio tables and put together a makeshift stage while the women got out the brooms and swept up all the used condoms and syringes. "You know," Audrey said with a happy sigh, "when you think about it, this IS the perfect place to have the Nurse's Ball." Everyone else echoed her sentiments.

Lucy Coe ran around like a chicken with its head cut off, fretting over how the Ball could be pulled off in a new location on such short notice. When she was out of earshot, Mac and Kevin got together and wondered who was more annoying, Lucy or Felicia. They decided it was a moot point and went back to unfolding lawn chairs.

~*~*~ Meanwhile, Felicia stopped by to tell Mac that she had received a call from Robin, who wanted them to know that she was doing well but had too many exams and therefore couldn't attend. "It's just as well," Mac said, "considering everyone hates her stinking little guts now anyway." Flea crinkled her nose.

Meanwhile, Emily and Zander prepared to run away together. Emily told Zander that she'd learned some important tips for the Mistress of Disguises, on how to conceal your identity. "The trick is," Emily said, "to put a knit cap on your head but NOT tuck your hair in it. That way, even though you're quite recognizable and can't hide well under a blanket of darkness, you ARE extremely fashionable." Zander popped on some purple-tinted sunglasses and said, "If anyone asks, I'm from N'Sync." Emily and Zander then tried to remember the fake names they'd come up for one another. "Shmemily Shmaurtermaine," Zander repeated over and over again. "Shmander Shmith," Emily repeated over and over again. 

Sonny spoke to Mike on the phone to let him know that he was okay. Mike told Sonny he should really give Carly a call because she was worried sick and Mike was sick and tired of hearing her yap-yap-yap about how much she missed Sonny, how sorry she was about betraying Sonny and how she was so danged horny that even AJ was looking kinda good again. Sonny hung up on him, as HE was sick of listening to Mike yap-yap-yap about Carly. Meanwhile, Carly stormed into Alexis' apartment and said she wanted to hire Alexis so that she could go after Laura and Scotty for "stealing" Deception from her, after AJ for trying to regain custody of Michael, after Mike for refusing to get rid of his mole and after the Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Company for refusing to invent an ice cream called Heavenly Herpes Ho Mix. Alexis refused.

Back at the Island, Angel brought a prescription for Sonny's infection, some painkillers for the pain and some Gold Bond Medicated Powder for his jock itch. Sonny tasted all three to make sure they weren't laced with poison, then happily sprinkled the Gold Bond down his pants. Angel told Sonny that she had met Carly and said she wasn't surprised he told her that Carly was dead rather than try to explain what Carly was like. Sonny shrugged and swallowed a whole bottle of Percodan, hoping against hope that the sweet, sensuous release of death would spare him from any more of Angel's pretentious rantings.

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The Nurse's Ball plodded along without any interesting entertainment OR drama. Lucy did track down Luke Spencer and plead with him to perform that night because the people at Hormel desperately needed a partner for their dancing ham or they wouldn't cough up their sponsorship money. "The ham cannot dance alone!" Lucy pleaded. Luke rubbed his chin and said, "Get the ham and bring it to me." The ham presented itself wearing a big blonde wig and a big-ass Minnie Mouse bow on its head. Luke then checked under the ham's massive skirt and saw that the ham was wearing those little white socky thingies that you usually put on the end of turkey feet for Thanksgiving. "It's unorthodox," Luke said, "to put socky thingies on a ham, but I will dance with the ham." Lucy was ecstatic. Luke and then Hormel ham shimmied across the dance floor, first to the tune of "Way Down Upon The Swiney River," which segued into the lesser-known "Yummy Yummy Piggy Belly." The applause was deafening.  

~*~*~*~* Lucky, Gia and Nikolas prepared for their touching rendition of "On The Roof." Gia helped Nikolas to adjust his cummerbund even though he wasn't even wearing a cummerbund, while Nikolas sucked on a reed to get his saxophone wet and ready for action. "You two look goofy," Lucky snickered. Nikolas reminded Lucky that teenagers wearing pink barber stripes should NOT throw stones. Lucky left with his tail between his legs. After their performance, Helena went to see Nikolas and told him he shouldn't degrade himself by performing in silly Nurse's Ball skits. Nikolas told Helena she shouldn't degrade herself by having sex with a man young enough to be her son. "If you only knew," Helena said with an evil spark in her eye.

Emily was rushed into the emergency room after the paramedics finally found her body amidst the wrecking of the burning train. Zander hovered over her as she laid on the gurney and told her to think positive thoughts and the big bad spinal injury would go away. Zander was distraught when Bobbie informed him that he could not accompany Emily to the X-ray lab. "I've seen her naked!" Zander reminded everyone, at which point Melissa took him aside and told him to please be patient and commented on how "nice but greasy" his hair looked despite the accident. That calmed Zander right down. Meanwhile, Alan waited with Emily and as she began to fall asleep, began to sing "Seasons In the Sun" to her. Emily was too weak to kill him.  

~*~*~*~* Stavros managed to get away from Helena with the bottled virus that could eliminate the entire population of Port Charles and the lesser-liked parts of Llanview. Helena stomped her foot and asked herself what the HECK she was going to do with that incorrigible child. She decided that the best thing to do would be to freshen her lip gloss and track Stavros down before he killed anyone. "Damned Stavros," she muttered. "Now I'm NEVER going to get to dance with the Hormel ham!" She stomped upstairs and lurked after Stavros, who was lurking after Laura, who was lurking after Nikolas. Helena was finally pulled into a side room by Luke Spencer, who was lurking after EVERYBODY!

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Carly sat outside of General Hospital and sobbed uncontrollably about her love for Sonny, her loneliness without him and her unbearable craving for a Ding-Dong. Sarah McLachlan sat in the bushes and serenaded Carly as she reminisced. Melissa came outside and saw Carly sobbing and took a few moments to sit with her and tell her that she'd once been where Carly is -- "Well, not REALLY where you are cuz in my case *I* was the one who was betrayed, I wasn't the one who did the betraying," but Melissa added that Carly will one day feel her heart mend. Carly felt better until Melissa put her foot up on the bench and exposed her ugly nurse shoes. Carly covered her mouth with her hand, pointed to the offensive white shoe and began to scream uncontrollably. "White shoe! White shoe!" she screamed. Melissa quickly took her foot off the bench and told Carly to please calm down. Carly took some deep breaths and asked Melissa why the heck she couldn't take a cue from her mother and come to work dressed in tight t-shirts, miniskirts and pumps. Melissa said she guessed she just didn't understand nursing as well as she should and went inside, leaning against a wall until the tears passed.

Stavros eavesdropped while Nikolas and Laura discussed the past. Nikolas wondered aloud if maybe there was a bit of Stavros inside him and wondered how Laura could look at him without remembering all the times that Stavros raped her. Laura smiled, "The same way I can look at Lucky and not remember the time that LUKE raped me." Gia burst into the room and told Nik and Laura that she had lost Lucky while she went into the washroom to do Number One. Nik and Laura went into a panic. "You just HAD to pee, didn't you!?" Laura demanded, accusingly. 

Luke had Helena in another one of his Vulcan Death Grips and told her he would snap her neck like a twig if she didn't tell him what kind of sick game she was playing with Lucky. Helena said she had no idea what he was talking about, that Pinochle was a perfectly respectable game and she'd thank him very much not to make fun of HER leisure activities! Just as Luke was about to really put the screws to her, Lucky walked in and demanded that Helena leave them alone. Luke quickly zipped up his pants and told Helena he'd have to screw her later. Helena was relieved to get away, as Stavros was running up and down the hallways with her bottle of gray hair rinse and her roots needed a touch-up. Helena stopped Stavros from talking to Laura, telling him he needed to be patient and wait for the perfect moment. She then ran her hand suggestively down his arm and snatched the hair rinse out of his hand. Stavros wept like a baby when he recounted to Helena how Nikolas had called him a "pig." Helena told him that since Stavros had been asleep in the ice chamber, the word "pig" had taken a new meaning: "a good, loving person; a man I respect and admire; my wonderful father." Stavros dabbed the tears from his eyes. "I really AM a pig, aren't I, Mother?" he sobbed. "A big fat juicy pig!"  After the run-in with Helena was over, Lucky told Luke that he was cured, and that Helena's brainwashing had ZERO effect on him today. Luke told Lucky not to be so naive. Lucky grabbed a nearby screwdriver and threatened to stab Luke's eyes out with it if he didn't agree that Lucky wasn't brainwashed anymore. Luke relented.

Alexis found Zander rifling through drawers and preparing to leave with a loaded pistol. "You're not going to kill someone, are you?" Alexis asked. Zander replied through gritted teeth, "No, Alexis! I'm NOT going to kill someone! I'm going to take this loaded pistol and make myself a nice little hopscotch game and I'm going to go play HOPSCOTCH with it!" "Phewff," Alexis said, "for a minute there I thought you were going to go KILL someone." Just as Zander was going to explain the word "sarcasm" to Alexis, AJ burst in and told Zander that Emily was asking for him. Zander scooted out the door and AJ demanded to know why Alexis was wasting her time with a no-good little punk like Zander. Alexis smiled shyly and pointed out that Zander was *NOT* little and that he was plenty good. AJ sighed dejectedly and went to measure his crane. 

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