June 24, 2002 ~~ Jason caught up with Courtney, who was distraught over AJ's lying about having a job. He told her that if she wanted to talk, he would gladly pretend to care and listen. Courtney asked Jason if, as AJ's brother, he could explain to her why AJ felt he had to lie to her. "Oh, that's simple," Jason said, "it's because I am good and AJ is evil. Did you know he killed a woman's baby?" Courtney rolled her eyes and told Jason that she now understood why AJ had no self-esteem. "Between you Quartermaines putting him down every two seconds and me moistening my panties as I speak with you, how the heck else is AJ supposed to be?" she asked.

Sonny was hovering over Carly at Mercy Hospital and Carly panicked when Dr. Bonds, James Bonds, came by to give her the test results, as she had lied to Sonny about why she was in the hospital in the first place. Sonny pushed Carly into her room with the wheelchair and commented that it was like he was pushing nothing at all. When in the room, Carly gave Sonny a shove that caused him to fall over. "Wow, your shove is almost as good as AJ's!" Sonny complimented her. Dr. Bonds, James Bonds, realized that Carly hadn't told Sonny about being infertile so she came up with an excuse as to why Carly had tests run. "The tests confirm that she IS a skinny bitch," Dr. Bonds said. Sonny heaved a huge sigh of relief. "You hear that, honey?" he beamed to Carly. "You're normal!" ~~ Alexis later stopped by to pick up her date book and Carly overheard her telling Dr. Bonds, James Bonds, that she was a little freaked out cuz this was her first pregnacy. Carly heaved a sigh of relief. "I thought she was pregnant," she said to herself, "but she's only pregnace!"

Laura had quite a fright when she went above the garage attic and heard the creepiest music playing as she went up the stairs. Laura shrieked when  saw a ghostly figure standing there. She was relieved when she realized it was only Luke, looking his usual wan and haggard self. She found some old mementos in the attic. "Oh look, Luke!" Laura gushed. "It's my old Barbie that I played with when I was a kid!" Luke took a closer look at the doll and said, "This is a Britney Spears Barbie. These only came out last year. Do you have a secret you'd like to tell me?" Laura ignored Luke's comment and continued to insist that it was an OLD Barbie and that she did NOT play with dolls anymore. Luke shuddered and wondered what other perverse, strange secrets this attic held. ~~ Laura found her wedding dress and was all excited until she saw how ratty and muddy it was. "It looks like someone did doughnuts on this dress with a Pontiac," Laura said. Luke suddenly got suspiciously quiet and nervous. Laura did not put two and two together. (TOP)

June 25, 2002 ~~ Zander and Jason argued over Liz's kidnapping. Jason mocked Zander because he didn't really have any information to give him, whereas if Jason had been in Liz's studio staring out the window, he'd have known for sure who kidnapped her. "You and your fucking staring," Zander said with a clenched jaw, "can't you find a new shtick?" A single tear rolled down Jason's cheek as he confessed that no, he could not find a new shtick. ~ Just as they were about to come to blows, Jason noticed "Elm Street Pier" scrawled on the wall with white chalk. "That seals it!" Jason said. "Mikey's got Liz!" Jason then zipped away to give Mikey a good beating.

Roy and Felicia speculated about what they would do if they actually spent the million dollars they found in Roy's closet. "I'd get an education for my daughters and go to a spa," Felicia said. "I'd get my mullet shellacked," Roy said wistfully. ~ Felicia gave Mac a one-dollar bill and asked him to trace the numbers on it to see if he could find out where it came from. "Don't spend it on Gummy bears and moon pies now," Felicia said. Mac promised he wouldn't and put the dollar in his wallet. Later, he had one of his own dollars analyzed and called Felicia with the shocking news that the dollar bill had come from his own wallet. ~ GH's salute to the heroism of the police force in this post-9/11 world continued in earnest.

Meanwhile, a kidnapped Liz lit a match to see if she could identify where she was. "Good thing I smoked that joint earlier," she said, kissing her matchbook. "Not only do I have matches to give me light, but I'm so buzzed that I couldn't care less where I am!" ~ Later, one of Roscoe's goons came in and threatened Liz with death if Jason didn't come through for her. "Go to hell," Liz snarled. "I'm on General Hospital; I already AM in hell," the goon said as he backed out of the crypt, laughing maniacally. (TOP)

June 26, 2002 ~~ Carly tried to sneak out of the penthouse but Sonny caught her and told her to go back to her room or else! Sonny then decided she could stay downstairs and wait while he fixed her an omelette. "Eggs," Carly sighed. "That's your solution for everything." Sonny got a phone call from Jason saying he was at the PCPD and Sonny told Carly to forget about the omelette, get out his penthouse while he worked and just grab an Egg McMuffin at the drive-through. Carly was relieved to be out of the prison-- err, penthouse -- because she had important sleuthing to do!

Carly went to Mercy Hospital and broke into Dr. Bonds, James Bonds', office to sneak a peek at Alexis's file and possibly find a shoe that doubled as a telephone. Just as she got her hands on the file, Alexis and Dr. Bonds, James Bonds, walked in. Carly quickly got on her hands and knees behind a chair and eavesdropped as Alexis talked about not wanting to tell Sonny that the baby was his. Dr. Bonds, James Bonds, told Alexis that she respected her decision but that Sonny's medical history would come in handy when her baby needed that inevitable bone marrow transplant that only the father could provide. Alexis said she'd take it under advisement and the two left. Carly stood up and dusted the dirt off her nylons and straightened her hair and snarled that she couldn't BELIEVE how Alexis degraded herself by getting pregnant by a married man. Carly then spit a gum wrapper out of her mouth and crawled out of Dr. Bonds' office on her hands and knees, hoping nobody would see her.

Lucky and Gia had a photo session in which they weighed each other down with heavy sexual innuendo. Audiences across North America barfed.

Elizabeth tried to get away from Roscoe's goon but her sissy girl running slowed her down. She ended up out of matches and being such a big-mouthed bitch that the goon didn't give her new batteries for her lantern-slash-vibrator. "In the dark and nothing to play with," she sobbed. Liz started banging furiously on the door, pleading to get out so she could go home to her studio and her life-sized, smooth-fleshed donkey dong. The goon remained unsympathetic to, yet genuinely aroused by, her pleading. (TOP)

June 27, 2002 ~~ Carly made a lunch appointment with Bill Clinton and told him she would give him $100,000 to lure Alexis back to his firm and get her out of Port Charles. Clinton thought about it a minute and said yee-haw, there weren't a heck of a lot he wouldn't do fer a hunderd grand and yee-haw, why the heck not? He didn't even get suspicious when Alexis arrived and Carly dove to hide behind a potted plant. He asked Alexis if she wanted to come back to his firm. Alexis contemplated it for a second and said yes. Clinton yee-haw'd and shot a 12-guage in the air to celebrate. Alexis wondered if George Stephanopoulos was still married.

Rick showed up on Laura's doorstep and was welcomed by Leslie. Rick told her to cut the chit-chat and tell him where that fine piece of ass named Laura was. Leslie said that Laura was rummaging around in the attic over their old garage, which caused Rick's ears to perk up. "Oh man, I hope she doesn't remember that whole molestation thing," Rick said. "Did you say something?" Leslie asked. "Yeah," Rick said more loudly, "I was just saying that I hoped Laura wouldn't remember the molestation thing." "Iced tea it is!" Leslie smiled.

Meanwhile, Laura brought Lulu up to the attic and forced Lulu to see the Smiley Face Lamp even though Lulu was screaming that she didn't want to go into the Grampie Touched Me In Bad Places room. Luke popped out of nowhere and offered to take Lulu to her Sunshine Girls meeting, since today's lesson was bondage and ball gags. "You know how I love to have things stuffed in my mouth," Luke said suggestively. Lulu wagged her finger and said, "No bad sexual innuendo today, Daddy!" Laura agreed, telling Luke, "I'm very busy suppressing my memories of being molested by Rick. Just go have fun at your little S&M party." Tony Geary wondered who was writing this shit.~ After Luke and Lulu left, Laura was shocked to see Rick standing in the doorway wearing a smoking jacket with a bottle of brandy in one hand and two empty snifters in the other. "Hello Laura," Rick said. "Hi Hef," Laura said back.

Jason rushed into Sonny's apartment to tell Sonny that the kidnappers had called with their ransom demand. "They want Pier 52," Jason huffed. They stared at each other for a long while before Sonny finally shrugged and said, "So? What the fuck is Pier 52?" "It's like Pier 1 Imports but with less automans and more wicker!" Jason panted. Sonny slammed his fist down on the table and said there was NO WAY that the kidnappers were going to get their hands on his wicker and dagnabbit if Liz had to die to protect the patio furniture! ~ Just then, Felicia showed up and demanded to know if Sonny had anything to do with trying to make Roy look like a criminal. The magic shrooms that Sonny and Jason ingested earlier finally kicked in and Sonny, in a hallucinatory state straight out of Lewis Carroll, told Felicia that Roy was just a criminal with a mullet who coerced poor Carly into turning Sonny in to the Feds. Terrified by Sonny's obvious jonesing, Felicia backed away and told him to never mind already. (TOP)