Carly was busy whining on the phone to Benny when AJ came into her apartment with legal papers stating that she had better tell him when Michael was or she would lose custody forever. "I don't know where Michael is," Carly snarled, "and he prefers to be called Sonny!" AJ then told her that he was talking about their SON Michael and Carly replied that how the heck should she know where the kid is, it's not like she pays any ATTENTION to him or anything. Alexis walked in and told Carly that if it would shut her big yapper, she'd help her with her custody fight against AJ. Carly thanked Alexis by ordering her out of the penthouse and telling her that she had a date with an Angel. "Are you going to wear pink chiffon?" Alexis asked as she was being pushed out the door. Carly said she hadn't made up her mind yet but thought that the satin combat fatigues she was already wearing were more appropriate. Angel and Sonny were blah-blah'ing about something totally uninteresting when they heard a car pull up. Sonny hid inside but left his wedding ring on the patio as a sign to Carly to please, for the love of Shnikey, get him away from the creepy woman in white and her endless Potatoes Au Gratin.

Zander remained by Emily's bedside all day to make sure that Sorel's men didn't get a hold of her. Ned showed up with a beard and a single red rose. After talking with Zander and accepting the fact that Emily really was in danger, Ned scolded Alan and Monica like they were a couple of bratty two tear-olds and told them they'd better let Zander hang out in Emily's room 24/7 or he'd take all of their toys away. "How dare you!" Alan bellowed. "Shhh, Alan," Monica whispered, "think of the Lego!" Alan quickly shut his mouth, but not before telling Ned that he looked like a "wussy fart" with that stupid beard.

Stavros asked Helena how in the heck the Spencer family was able to sway Nikolas against him so badly. Helena replied that it wasn't just the Spencers -- it was also Stefan and Alexis, but that didn't mean that Stavros shouldn't want to kill all the Spencers anyway. Stavros said Alexis was insignificant, but Helena quickly reminded him that Alexis was up to about 5 minutes of air time per week now and as such, was a threat NOT to be under-estimated! Stavros jotted that down in the little notebook he keeps in his breast pocket. He said he couldn't wait to kill Stefan, and Helena said she was anxious for that moment, too. "He's always coming on to me and he gives me the heeby-jeebies," she said. Stavros said if she didn't want her sons coming on to her, maybe she should stop stroking their forearms so suggestively. Helena  wondered briefly why the fuck she woke up this lippy bastard. 

Stefan and Chloe had a warm conversation in the bar of the Port Charles Grille. Stefan watched Gia and Nikolas and told Chloe he was very glad to see Nik so happy and that he was ashamed that he had once tried to thwart the relationship solely because "Gia was technically dark-skinned enough to qualify as an African American." Stefan told Chloe that he wanted to start over as a person, and asked if she would sprinkle some fairy dust on him to magically turn him into a good person. Chloe said she didn't have any magic fairy dust. Stefan told her that when he said "magic fairy dust," what he REALLY meant was a good muff-diving session with her on top. Chloe blushed and agreed to go to Windemere with him. However, she was disappointed when Stefan brought her into his office and she couldn't find enough floor space or couch space to perform the magic fairy dust session. She asked for iced tea instead, with lots of ice.

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Laura decided that since she owned a cosmetics company, it would probably be a good idea to do some work with it, so she got Lucky and Gia to meet her at the pier for a photo shoot. "Am I doing good, Mommy?" Lucky asked with a puppy dog grin on his face. "Smashingly, my favored son," she replied. Nikolas showed up and Laura rolled her eyes, wondering why Nikolas always had to show up and ruin family moments.

Laura was interrupted by the arrival of Alexis, who tried to appeal to Laura's sense of guilt by mentioning that Carly's life was pretty hollow these days without Deception and maybe Laura could consider giving Carly her shares back. Scotty interrupted and said Carly made her bed and had to lay in it. Laura told Scotty to watch his potty mouth and told Alexis that she was going to honor Sonny's last wishes and freeze Carly out completely. Alexis clack-clacked her way off the pier, and Scotty got down on his knees and pleaded with Laura to forgive him for using the words "bed" and "lay". Laura said she'd think about it.

Carly confronted Angel about going to court over their fender bender. Sonny stood behind a partially open door and eavesdropped on their conversation. Carly accused Angel of trying to ruin her life and of harassing her, while Angel just looked at Carly and wondered what the heck gave her the impression that she was HARASSING Carly. Sonny pulled down his zipper and prepared some Kleenex, but sadly the lesbian catfight he was hoping for never materialized. Sonny was extremely disappointed when Angel and Carly sat down to lemonade instead and discussed the benefits of latex over Spandex. He embarrassedly put his Kleenex away and re-zipped his pants

Stefan and Chloe had a nice little tête-à-tête, which unfortunately is NOT French for wild sex party. Stefan asked Chloe if he could open a trust in her name so that she could funnel money to Nikolas without him knowing that the money was actually coming from Stefan. Chloe was stunned and asked Stefan if that was all he had asked her there for -- to discuss money? She stormed out of the room when she realized that Stefan wasn't even going to try to touch her booby. Meanwhile, Stavros -- who had been lurking in the hallway -- took off after Chloe with a smirk on his face. "They may be small," he muttered, "but I haven't touched a booby in 20 years." 

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Carly decided that a sweet attitude would be better than a shitty attitude, so she softened towards Angel and told her that she was just upset over some recent events in her life. Carly also decided to clarify a few things about Sonny. "I know," Carly said, "that when people hear the name Sonny Corinthos, they immediately think of Gummy Bears but I will have you know -- and I mean this from the bottom of my heart -- that Sonny is much more of a Froot Loops kind of guy."

Meanwhile, while Carly was blah-blah'ing, Mike found Sonny's wedding ring and realized that Sonny was probably hiding out in Angel's house. The heavy scent of Brut after shave wafting in from the living room confirmed this. Carly got suspicious when Mike seemed to know where Sonny was, but Mike said he was simply assuming that Sonny was somewhere safe, thinking things over, but he didn't actually KNOW it for a fact. He then told Carly, while looking directly at Angel, that if Sonny IS thinking things over, that he should think about how much he's loved, how much he's missed and how Carly has been humping tree trunks since his absence. Angel nodded blankly, the high-pitched squeal of nothingness drowning out the very sound of Mike's words.

Helena came upon Lucky and Nikolas and one of her men knocked Nikolas out cold so that Helena could get control of Lucky's mind again with the Ice Princess, five bucks and the promise of a never-ending supply of Skittles. Nik hovered in and out of consciousness and vaguely saw Helena, but decided later it probably wasn't her since Helena would never walk around Port Charles with the world's largest cubic zirconium in her purse. Gia stumbled upon the brother after Helena left and demanded to know what Lucky had done to Nikolas. Lucky chuckled and said he accidentally hit Nikolas in the head with a tripod, then all the lights dimmed, he put a flashlight under his chin and said, in a maniacal, freakish voice, "Or did I?" Lightning flashed, thunder boomed and both Nik and Gia beat a hasty retreat. "Is this Passions?" Gia asked. Nik told her to shut up and just keep running!

Stefan talked to Chloe at the hospital and told her to let him know if there was anything he could do to make Emily's stay at the hospital more comfortable. Chloe said she'd think about it and turned on her heel, running directly into Stavros, who developed, while frozen, a freakish ability to walk around in broad daylight without being seen by anyone but those whom he sprinkles with Evil Cassadine Munchkin Drops. "Chloe Morgan?" he asked. "Do I know you?" Chloe asked. "How rude of me," Stavros said, "please allow me to introduce myself!" Instead of telling her that he was Satan, however, Stavros adopted the name Lucien Cain and offered her a business card he had had made on his way to Windemere. He explained to Chloe that he was an internet entrepreneur who had developed a new cell phone technology and that he wanted to discuss some business ventures with her. "Wow, you sure do know a lot about where the business world is headed in the 21st Century!" Chloe marveled. Stavros just smiled mischievously, wondering to himself how the heck he could know so much when he'd spent the last 20 years frozen in an underground ice chamber.

Luke and Roy snooped around the hospital for more dirt on Helena and the supplies she had ordered for General Hospital. Luke was creeped out when he took an elevator with a dead guy and noticed that his toe tag read, "Luke Spencer." Stavros chuckled gleefully outside the elevator door and rushed off to ring doorbells and run away before the person inside answered. "Prince Albert in a can," he wrote in his notebook, which featured various ideas for Stavros' upcoming how-to book entitled,  1001 Practical Jokes I Can Use On People Before I Reveal I Am Alive.

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Stavros went out for dinner with Chloe and fantasized about telling her who he was and how he was planning to kill Stefan. He woke up from his sweet reverie when Chloe asked him what the heck he was doing with a hand down his pants. "Jock itch," he said with a blush. Stavros did find the courage to tell Chloe that he knew Stefan Cassadine and that they had both friends and enemies in common. Chloe was surprised that Lucien Cain knew Stefan, but she was especially interested that he knew Jimmy Jo Jo Jabberwocker, CEO of Fun Size Candy. "Jimmy Jo Jo is a close personal friend of mine!" Chloe exclaimed. Stavros smiled and sipped his wine, cursing himself for creating a pretend friend with such a COMMON name!

Bobbie told Carly that maybe it was time for her to consider divorcing Sonny, quickly and painlessly, so that she and Michael could start having a normal life for once. Carly said she was NOT going to give up on Sonny that quickly and that as far as Michael was concerned, he was delighted to be in Martinique with Leticia and would come back to Port Charles happy, healthy and older than Lucas, just you wait and see! When Carly stomped upstairs, Bobbie lectured Mike on the importance of the marriage vows that people take and how a partner can't just run out on the other once things start to get a little hard. Mike nodded. "And how many times have you been divorced again?" he asked. "Six times!" Bobbie said with her brightest smile. Meanwhile, Sonny lectured Angel on the perils of cooking with dried herbs as opposed to fresh herbs and asked her why she wasn't growing any in her garden. Angel smiled, "I'm too busy growing cucumbers, zucchini and other miscellaneous phallically shaped vegetables. They later bonded while dicing up celery. "This is nice celery," Sonny said. "It could have a thicker stalk," Angel said. Their eyes met. They both knew that they were really talking about celery here.

Nikolas approached Luke and told him he'd better hurry up and help Lucky before Helena took over his mind completely. Luke was too busy rifling through boxes of supplies to pay much attention to Nikolas, but did take a moment to tell Nikolas that he didn't think Nik was actor enough to pull off a stunt as big as tricking Helena into believing that  he had switched his alliance back to the Cassadine family. Luke then told Nikolas to excuse him but he had three dozen pairs of rubber gloves, two catheter tubes and a box of enema bags to bring to a little party he was throwing later at his club. Nikolas tried to swipe one of the enema bags, which caused a huge fight, with Nikolas storming out of the room just in time for Helena to see him stalk away from Luke. Helena went into the storage room and demanded to know what Luke had done to Nikolas. Luke told Helena he'd just SHOW her instead and laid a big fat wet kiss on her mouth. "I kissed him," Luke said, "and I kissed him HARD!" Luke then left the storage room, leaving Helena with nothing but the memory of his cigar breath on her lips and a rubber glove dangling suggestively from her garter belt.

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Make it up yourself, cuz I sure didn't ;)