General Shmospital Recaps: July 1-5

Happy Canada Day!

Shmappy Shanada Shmay!
(Translation: Only four more days till the Americans eclipse OUR celebration with their Independence Day ;)

July 1, 2002 ~~ It was a romantic day as Sonny and Carly, before Satan and all the powers of evil, began to renew their wedding vows. Carly looked lovely in her hot pink leather mini-dress; Sonny looked handsome and virile in his powder-blue tuxedo. The vows were tear-inducing, every line punctuated with the heartfelt line, "And this time, I MEAN IT!"

Sadly, the nuptials were interrupted by Detective Taggert, who demanded to know why the fuck he wasn't invited to the wedding. Carly decided to let her penis run free and slapped Taggert across the face, saying he damned well deserved it for blaming Sonny for his invitation being lost in the mail. "Take it up with U.S. Post!" Carly hissed. Taggert brought Sonny and Carly down to the police station with Alexis not far behind. Sonny was allowed to leave, as was Jason even though he shot somebody dead, but Carly was locked up. "Please represent her," Sonny asked Alexis, "even though she's an obnoxious cunt from hell." Alexis sighed and said, "Fine, I'll represent her but ONLY because you're the father of my baby." "Thank you," Sonny said. Alexis rolled her eyes and got a magical suspended sentence for Carly plus 250 hours of community service. Carly barely thanked Alexis before heading off to the Little Chapel Of Evil and Skankness with Sonny to finish off the wedding. "Let's go home and have sex," Carly sighed romantically. "You're such a lady," Sonny said. Even the satanist priest choked on that one.

A tearful Maxie called Luke up to say that the house was on fire and that his child was stuck inside. "Oh my gosh, LUCKY IS IN DANGER?" Luke yelled. "No, it's Lulu," Maxie sobbed. Luke paused and considered letting the house burn down, but decided to tell Maxie to take her time and call 911 instead. "If they get there in time, great," he said, "if not, whatever." Luke then bundled Bobbie and Leslie into his car and rushed over to the house, but not before stopping off to pick up a couple of lottery tickets, some beer and a Slushie. Luke was stunned to see Scotty run out of the house with Lulu in his arms. "You saved her?" Luke asked incredulously. "I'm still hoping to get into Laura's pants," Scotty confessed. "I was so scared," Lulu sobbed into Luke's shoulder. "I was scared too," Luke said soothingly, "until I realized it wasn't Lucky in there." Luke stayed behind while everyone else rushed Lulu to the Emergency Room for an emergency hand washing, a Lilo And Stitch band-aid and a nice, soothing shot of Seconal. (TOP)

July 2, 2002 ~ AJ was offended when Courtney gave him all of her money and told him to go buy back the Ming Yung Dynasty plate that he stole and pawned from the Quartermaines. "If we keep spending your wages on things like antique plates and flowers instead of rent and food, you just might have to go work as a stripper or something," AJ said. Later, Courtney saw a legitimate way to make money when Jason offered her a wad of cash in exchange for information from AJ, which AJ refused to give him. "C'mon, just tell him what he wants to know," Courtney pleaded. "No," AJ insisted. "It's none of Jason's business whether Lila has implants or not!" Jason put his money away and resolved to find out by himself, by finding an opportunity to reach under Lila's Muumuu and giving them a little feely-poo.

Skye was all jealous of Jax's business trip to Australia and was more than a little pissed off when he gave her a stinky old strand of pre-Revolutionary France pearls instead of the world's biggest Zirconium like the chick in the picture she kept looking at. Jax offered to take Skye on a boat ride around the lake, but Skye dropped the news that they were invited to supper at the Quartermaines. "Grampa's gonna fire up the barbeque, Dad's gonna fix us some vittles and Monica's making her famous Boston Deep Baked Beans and Dogs," Skye said. "Sounds scrumptious," Jax said. "I haven't had a vittle in ages!" Skye waited for him to be out of ear shot before muttering something or other about how she just BET he hadn't had vittles in a long time and really just felt like shoving that strand of pearls right down his throat. Jax slipped into Bermuda shirts and a Hawaiian shirt. "Let's go be be cuing!" he said. Skye couldn't justify being in this dink's presence anymore. (TOP)

July 3, 2002 ~ Lila asked Jason if he had been blackmailed by Edward into coming for dinner. Since Jason realized that lying would not benefit either Carly or Sonny, he decided to tell the truth. "Yes, Grandpa blackmailed me," Jason said. Lila slammed her cane down against the steel railing of her wheelchair and snarled, "That's it! I will not be party to blackmail! Reginald, to the Jacuzzi!" Reginald wheeled Lila away, all the while silently pleading with his eyes for Jason to save him from having to help Lila into her bathing suit. Jason, however, just thought Reginald was mocking him and his perma-stare, and decided Reginald needed a good beating. "Beat Reginald up," Jason wrote in his date book.

AJ and Courtney also showed up and AJ was livid when the family turned on Edward for blackmailing Jason into having dinner with them. "You're all a bunch of assholes," AJ said before slamming a plate into the fireplace. Jason started crying. "Jason no like loud noise," Jason said. Monica hugged him close and told him to there, there, the little bad guy would be gone soon. AJ slammed another plate into the fireplace. "Waahhhh!" Jason sobbed. Courtney slapped AJ's hand and told him to stop being so mean to Jason. Alan then slapped AJ across the face and told him to stop being so mean to Jason. Monica then punched AJ in the mouth and told him to stop being so mean to Jason. Edward then crushed a cigar out on AJ's forehead and told him to stop being so mean to Jason. Lila wheeled in, dripping wet from her Jacuzz, and thwapped AJ several times very hard on the head with her solid gold cane and told him to stop being so mean to Jason. In the shadows, Bob Guza cackled maniacally.

Felicia and Roy went to Carly's bar to flaunt their newfound wealth, hoping that if Sonny saw them blowing the dough, maybe he'd reveal himself as the person behind planting a million dollars in Roy's apartment. Felicia and Roy stopped by the say hello to Sonny and Carly but the lovely moment was ruined when Sonny's magic mushrooms kicked in and he started rambling about Roy helping Carly to betray him. "He blew up my fallopian tubes, too," Carly sobbed. Sonny just shook his head in disgust and said he wouldn't shake Roy's hand if it was the last hand on earth. "You're not even making sense," Roy said. "Get out-a my face-a," Sonny bellowed and walked away. "Is Guza serious about this shit?" Felicia asked. "Yep," Roy replied. "Well, on the plus side, you DO have a nicer mullet than anyone else in Port Charles," Felicia crinkled. "Oh shut up," Roy said. ~~ Meanwhile, Jax confronted Carly about embezzling $100,000 out of the club's money. Carly insisted that the money set her up to make it way too easy for her to embezzle the money and that if it wasn't for the money parading around the club in high heels and thigh-highs, she never would have been tempted to touch it. Jax nodded sympathetically. (TOP)

Happy 4th of July!

Shmappy Shmorth of Shmuly!

July 4, 2002 ~~ Jason told Sonny that their only chance of finding Liz would be to ally themselves with Taggert and the PCPD. Sonny said he didn't think that was a great idea. "It's painful to be in the same room as Taggert ever since, you know, the break-up," Sonny said. Jason nodded in sympathy but went to Taggert anyway. "Did Sonny say he wanted to see me?" Taggert asked. Jason said no. Taggert hid his pain.

AJ told Mikey that he was, in fact, his father. "You're a liar!" Mikey said. "Sonny and Jason and Tony Jones are my fathers! You're just some little guy with a flask in his pocket!" AJ later went over to Rick to tell him how much he wished HE was AJ's biological father instead of Alan. "Nah," Rick said, "I probably just would have molested you, too." AJ took his flask, his only REAL friend, and headed off to the pier to drink. He later jumped behind a bush to hide from Courtney and also to feel closer to Carly. Courtney had no choice but to eat two ice cream cones.

Liz and Zander contemplated crypt sex. Liz admitted she found Zander much more appealing now that she knew he came from a wealthy background and might inherit some major moolah at some point in the future. She allowed him a kiss and an arm-brush-against-the-nipple. She promised him below-the-waist fondling if they survived till morning.

Jax told Sonny that Carly was fired because she embezzled $100,000 from the club. "Damn that Roy DeLuca!" Sonny said, slamming a fist into the wall. Jax rolled his eyes. "Do you have ANY idea how uncool you are?" Jax asked. Sonny said that if Carly did anything bad, it was only because of Roy DeLuca forcing her into it. Jax and Alexis looked at each other and fought like hell to suppress the urge to laugh uproariously. (TOP)