Thursday, July 5th

Friday, July 6th

Sonny interrupted Angel while she was on the phone, which startled Angel and caused her to quickly change the subject. She started asking Sonny how he used to celebrate the 5th of July when he was a kid, and he replied that it usually started with a good solid whack to the backside followed by being locked in a closet with nothing to eat or drink but warm water and a bowl of Kibbles n Bits. Angel smiled, "Wow, what a coincidence!!" Sonny then asked, "You mean that's the way YOU celebrated the 4th of July when YOU were a kid, too?" Angel shook her head and said, "No, no, I just meant it's a coincidence that you ate Kibbles n Bits because your father was abusive whereas I ate them just for the crunchy taste!" Sonny tried to explain the meaning of "coincidence" to Angel but saw from the vacant look in her eyes and the slight drool coming out of the side of her mouth that her lobotomy was kicking in again. Meanwhile, Mike showed up and demanded to see Sonny. Although Angel professed not to know a "Sonny Corinthos," Sonny came out of the house and showed himself to Mike. "Your pants are on fire, Ms Liar Liar," Mike snapped. Angel started crying and said she was going to jump in the lake to put her pants out. "You left Carly for THAT?" Mike asked. Sonny shrugged. "I can fuck anything, anywhere, any time, in any position," Sonny reminded him. "That's my boy," Mike said proudly.

Alexis and a very unstable Carly went to the 4th of July picnic together, where they promptly ran into the Quartermaines, who were feasting on champagne, roast beast and Who Hash at their own private picnic table. Carly saw AJ, narrowed her eyes and hissed, "I hope you're ready for some fireworks!" AJ narrowed his eyes and said, "As a matter of fact, I AM!" Carly then broke into a huge smile and said, "Good! Cuz I hear they're absolutely fantabulous!" Carly wished everyone a great meal and told Monica she looked great today before waving cheerfully and heading off. "Oh my gosh, she's deeper off the edge than any of us thought!" AJ gasped. Carly later wandered around the park and was stunned when Stavros bumped into her. Ever the smooth bastard, Stavros told Carly he had exactly what she wanted and needed for her pain and slowly reached into his pant pocket, fondled around a bit and pulled out a bottle of Extra-Strength Tylenol. "No thanks," Carly sneered. Stavros then asked Carly if he could take her home. "Take me home or take me to bed?" Carly asked with a snicker. Stavros said that was entirely up to her and added, "I'm just going to forewarn you that if we have sex, you will never be able to enjoy sex with another man ever again, because I fuck like a man who hasn't fucked or masturbated in 20 years." Carly squeezed her legs together a bit.

Emily asked Zander why he was carrying a gun. Zander said he felt the gun made him look threatening and manly. Emily smiled and sheepishly admitted that that was the answer she was hoping to hear. They discussed their future together and Emily said she'd just as soon study at the prestigious Port Charles University rather than Yale or Stanford or Harvard or some "dumbass" school like that. Zander said he'd like to go back to school, too and explained that Bobbie had cornered him in the hallway earlier that day and told him about a huge variety of different courses he could take from the comfort of his very own bullet hole-riddled living room! Emily smiled, "I love you, Zander, for so many reasons -- the main one being that even if I was permanently mentally incapacitated, I would still be infinitely superior to you in intelligence." Zander nodded and smiled blankly. Their tender moment was interrupted when one of the security guards hired to protect Emily came into the room and held a gun to Em and Zander. Zander made an immediate mental note to fire the Quartermaine's Security Agency.

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Stavros kissed Carly after telling her in his best Pepe Le Pew voice, "Zoonight, ma dear, zoo dunt need zoo be alone" which caused Carly to give him a solid slap across the face. Stavros started trembling and shaking all over and Carly asked him if he was going to blow his top or something. Stavros answered that it wasn't his top he just blew and how DARE she cause him to blow his load in his briefs. Stavros slinked away when he heard Alexis calling for Carly, but not before telling Carly that she's be getting a bill from his dry cleaners and she'd better pay it if she knew what was good for her. Carly rolled her eyes and asked Stavros if he knew who her husband was. Stavros said he didn't give a shit and would she PLEASE stop talking to him cuz his load was starting to trickle down the inside of his thigh. Alexis arrived as Stavros left. All she saw was the back of his head. "Who was that?" she asked Carly. Carly shrugged, "Just some jerk!" Alexis shook her head and told Carly that the mystery guy reminded her of a certain half-brother of hers who had a premature ejaculation problem. 

AJ told Skye she had to help him with his custody case for Michael, or he would tell Alan and Monica that Skye knew about Zem's plan to run away before it happened. Skye was initially unmoved but softened slightly when AJ showed her videotape of his brief encounter with Michael in the park, in which Michael developed a rapport with AJ immediately. "B-b-but Michael never recognizes anyone, not even his own left hand!" Skye gasped. "Now do you see why I need custody of him?" AJ demanded. "I am the ONLY person that that kid has ANY sort of rapport with. He doesn't sit still for Carly, for Jason, for Sonny, for ANYONE, but I had two minutes with him in a park scene and it was all, 'Hi Mr. Warlock! How are you, Mr. Warlock!'" Skye broke down sobbing and said AJ could expect her full cooperation.

Sonny tried to snoop on Angel by leafing through her photo album but Angel caught him in the act. Sonny and Angel decided to play cards: the winner could ask the loser any question. Angel was 3/4 naked before she realized that Sonny was cheating AND that they weren't even playing Strip Poker. Meanwhile, Ned grilled Alexis about her feelings for Sonny, saying that she liked him as more than just a client. Alexis said she liked Sonny but did NOT like a lot of things about him, too. "For example, he can have sex with a fire hydrant if there's no woman around," Alexis said. Ned nodded and said that might be a problem. Alexis pointed out that Sonny could have sex with a fire hydrant even if there WAS a woman around, and then an argument broke out between Ned and Alexis as to whether that was a GOOD or a bad thing. Alexis finally called Ned a dufus and stomped off.

Meanwhile, Ned helped to thwart the kidnapping and/or assassination attempt on Emily's and/or Zander's life. Zander had been trying to divert the guard's attention while Emily tried to reach for the nurse's call button. The guard, however, saw Emily reaching for the call button and all heck broke loose. "You stupid invalid!" Zander yelled at Emily. Zander managed to wrestle the gun away from Sorel's henchman and the cops took the henchman away. "Oh Zander!" Emily gushed, "thank you so much for getting me into all this mortal danger and yet always being at my side to get me out of it as well!" They then kissed noisily with tongues. Ned told Zander this sort of thing had to stop and that Emily needed to be SAFE from all the madness. "Not till her contract ends," Zander hissed. Ned nodded. "Of course, son," he repeated, putting a hand on Zander's shoulder, "not until her contract ends." 

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