Laura confronted Luke about using Nikolas in his plans against the Cassadine and said that even though Nik was NOT her favorite son, she still worried that this whole scheme would end up getting Nikolas hurt. Luke rolled his eyes and told Laura that just in case she hadn't noticed, Nik was a full-grown man -- a beautiful, sexy, muscularly-rippled, pouty-lipped man -- and that he was a consenting adult, able to decide for himself if he wanted to join in a scheme or even have sex with an older man who's not a blood relative. Laura relented. To ease the tension, Laura mentioned the dream she had had about Stavros. Luke gasped, "Wow, I had a dream about Stavros too!" Laura agreed that that was one FREAKY coincidence. "Was he naked and carrying a brandy snifter in your dream, too?" Laura asked. Luke chuckled, "Oh he was naked all right but that sure wasn't a brandy snifter in his hand." They both laughed uproariously!  

Meanwhile, Nikolas saw Lucky and Gia playing around on the couch and decided to use that as an opportunity to pick a fight with them. He accused Lucky of trying to squeak some nookie out of Gia and refused to listen to them when they said they were just practicing for a photo shoot. "Practicing for a photo shoot, huh?" Nikolas bellowed. "Then how do you explain THIS?" Nik then pulled a ten-inch rubber dildo from the couch and held it up to them accusingly. "How did that fall out?" Gia wondered, but feigned innocence. Liz came downstairs and said if there was going to be trouble, then maybe she and Lucky should just move out. She then grabbed the dildo out of Nik's hand and announced that she had a date with Mr. Dildy and a detachable showerhead.

Helena told Stavros that she saw Nikolas throwing Lucky out of his cottage. Stavros warned her that Nikolas was probably deceiving her since he had his stinky evil blood flowing through him, but Helena was too busy licking her lips and rubbing her hands together maniacally to listen to him. Stavros then asked her if she'd gotten any videotape of Elizabeth during her date in the bathtub. Helena said she tried but Andreas wouldn't hold the ladder straight so she basically just got 20 minutes of blurry footage of an antique towel rack. "That'll do," said the very sex-starved Stavros and he dismissed his mother with a wave of his hand. Helena backed out of the room, groveling.

Angel pretended to be Madame JoJo, Tarot Card Reader Extraordinaire, and fake-read Sonny's future. She told him that he had unfinished business with Carly, that he wasn't being honest with himself and that there was a man from his past wearing a jester's outfit who wanted to kill him. Sonny rolled his eyes. "That's the Joker," he said. Angel nodded. "Yes," she said, "he most certainly *is* a joker!" Angel then told Sonny that she knew a place in Greece where he could go, where nobody would bother him. Sonny asked if it had a topless beach. Angel said yes, and Sonny jumped up, clapped his hands gleefully, grabbed some suntan lotion and said, "I'm so THERE, baby!" Their plans were short-lived, however, when they heard a report saying Sorel had escaped from jail and was last seen going up the elevator to Sonny's penthouse without any sort of disguise on at all. Sonny noticed that Angel was very distressed at the news. Sonny assumed correctly that the trip to Greece and all those topless beaches was off. 

Meanwhile, Sorel was holding Carly at gunpoint. When Taggert knocked on the door, Sorel warned Carly that if she did anything stupid, he would kill her unsociable jet-loving little son and pop both of Bobbie's boobies, causing a tidal wave of silicone unlike any the world had never seen before. Carly got rid of Taggert by saying that she didn't order any pizza *wink wink* but that maybe Alexis had ordered pizza *wink wink* but Taggert just stared at her blankly and left the building. "It's a shame you didn't order that pizza," Sorel said, "since I *am* kinda hungry." As he was calling Domino's, Carly took a paperweight off the desk and slipped it in her pocket. "Not only is this heavy enough to break over Sorel's head," she said, "but dadgummit if it's not going to keep all of the receipts in my wallet organized while I'm kidnapped."

~*~*~* Zander told Ned and Alan that the only way to keep Emily safe would be to send her off the rehab somewhere and not tell Zander where she was. Alan called a friend of his at a rehabilitation center and asked if there was any room for Emily. "And can you take care of her crack habit while she's learning to walk again?" Alan asked. Zander and Ned waited with baited breath and high-fived each other when Alan gave them both the thumbs up. Alan congratulated Zander on thinking selflessly for a change. Zander told Alan not to congratulate him too quickly cuz even though Emily would be leaving for rehab, Zander still had every intention of coming to the Q house for supper every Tuesday and Friday night and servicing Lila every Monday. Alan and Ned agreed to those terms. Zander put on a brave face for Emily, but she could sense that something was wrong. "How can you tell?" Zander asked. "I only have one facial expression that I use over and over again!" Emily said she noticed more of a downward turn to his defiant pout. Zander cursed his acting couch.

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AJ received a phony newspaper with the headline, AJ Quartermaine Dies. At first he thought Skye had done it but then realized that it was probably a message from Sonny. AJ was especially angry that the newspaper article described him as "short with an exaggerated idea about the size of his crane." Skye pointed out that the best way to get custody of Michael was to make Carly feel like she had the upper hand and make her feel secure. AJ frowned and said that if Carly and/or Sonny was going to make fun of the size of his crane, they'd better both danged well be prepared to suffer his wrath. Skye kind of chuckled to herself cuz AJ accidentally pronounced it RAFT. AJ was so embarrassed that he left the room crying like a pussy pants. 

Zander finally agreed with Alan and Monica that it was time for them to tell Emily that they were sending her away to a rehabilitation center where she would learn to walk again. Emily was all delighted cuz she had booked a room with a Jacuzzi and a queen-sized bed for her and Zander to share, but reality slapped her in the face when she realized that they meant for her to go away alone and have no more contact between her and Zander. "It's for the best," Zander said. "If I don't know where you are and if I end all my contact with you, you will statistically be 97% less likely to be shot at, blown up, have your brakes tampered with or lose a body part." Zander took out the pie chart detailing these statistics, which distressed Emily so badly that she began to cry like a pussy pants. During a moment alone, Zander told her it was the only solution. Emily said she would NEVER be able to live without him. However, when Zander threatened to drag out the pie charts again, Emily asked when the heck her bags could be packed and when the heck she could be outta there.

Carly tried to appeal to Sorel's sense of humanity by asking him questions about his wife. Sorel dimmed the lights, lit a cigarette and leaned one arm against the mantel of the fireplace. "Wife?" he said softly, puffing on his smoke, "I have-a no wife-a. Da wife-a she leave-a me and de kids-a, dey all turn-a against-a me-a." Carly was moved to tears and clapped enthusiastically when Sorel's speech was finished. "The Best Minor Token Actor in a Minor Token Role With A Recast Emmy is yours!" Carly said with a thumbs up sign. Sorel sobbed that he had no use for Carly any more now that he had his Emmy reel. He kissed her on both cheeks, shook her hand and was preparing to leave when there was a knock on the door. "Carly? Carly, you open this damned door!" AJ yelled. "You're gonna open this damned door and get your clothes off and let me SHOW you who's got the best crane in town!" Sorel looked at Carly, his eyes narrowing angrily. "Upstaged by Billy Warlock," he seethed. Carly bit her lip.

Alexis ran into Mike at Kelly's and asked him if he could at least let her know if Sonny was safe. Mike asked, "Who wants to know?" Alexis rolled her eyes and said, "Well, duh!" Mike then said that Sonny was not with another woman, no matter what anyone said or thought. Nope, not Sonny. He was NOT with another woman. He was not! Alexis called Mike a "transparent bastard," picked up the contents of the purse she had spilled and clanked away. Once outside of Kelly's, Alexis clutched her hand to her breast and sobbed horribly. "Sonny," she whispered. "Oh Sonny, Sonny, Sonny. Why hast thou not contacteth thouest attorney!" She then wiped the tears off her cheeks and headed into the nighttime mist of the Port Charles Pier.

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Mike and Alexis had a little conversation at Kelly's about Alexis's unrequited lust for Sonny. Alexis denied that she had anything but a professional relationship with Sonny and smirked that if she was interested in Sonny, she certainly wouldn't be wearing button-up suits. "What would you be wearing?" Mike asked. "Button-up suits made of Saran Wrap," Alexis said. Mike squeezed his crotch a bit. Meanwhile, Sonny informed Angel that he was going back to Port Charles to take care of business and told her he'd been away too long. He also told Angel that he didn't want to have sex with her. Angel said she didn't want sex or anything; she just wanted a week on the beach and needed his bankroll to do it. Sonny pried her clawing hands from his arms, threw his jacket over his shoulder and walked slowly to the doorway, making sure to swish his behind as he walked. He paused at the doorway, looked at Angel, winked and then drove away mysteriously in a cab. Angel sobbed and ripped a bunch of pictures out of her photo album, tossing them into the fire. "Fat, fat, fat!" she sobbed. "I look so FAT in these pictures!" She secretly thanked God that Sonny never saw them.

AJ pounded on Carly's door and insisted that she open up. Although Sorel threatened to hurt her if she said anything, Carly yelled out to AJ. She then informed him that she believed Sonny was dead and that if AJ had half a shred of decency, he would allow her the time to grieve the loss of her husband. AJ rolled his eyes and told her that he wasn't buying any of it. Carly took AJ's hand and started Braille-ing out the words, "Sorel has a gun on me and I need help!" but AJ was too busy enjoying the gentle pressure of her soothing fingertips to notice what she was doing. While AJ continued to berate her about being a lousy actress and a bad mother, Carly took a flashlight out of her breast pocket and flashed "S.O.S." right into his eyeballs. "Well, if you're just going to stand there annoying me, Carly, I'm just going to leave!" AJ yelled. Carly followed him quickly to the elevator, all the while tapping out Morse Code with the heels of her shoes, but AJ just pushed the "Close Doors" button really hard in the elevator to express his contempt for her. Sorel dragged Carly back into the penthouse and told her he needed a broad who understood the meaning of the word loyalty. "No habla englese" Carly quickly said, "que esta loyalty?"

Zander convinced a reluctant Emily to go to rehab as they had discussed after promising her that the minute he was safe from Sorel, he would jump on the next bus or train and be out to see her. It was a tearful and emotional goodbye. Alan and Monica thanked Zander for being involved with the mob because without that, Emily would never have gotten a spinal injury without which rehab would never have been possible. Skye told Emily that she would keep an eye on Zander and make sure that all his needs and desires were fulfilled. Emily thanked her. Alan and Monica wheeled Emily to the elevator while Zander stood back and burst into tears. Skye slipped her business card into his hand and squeezed his palm. "Call me," she mouthed seductively, "and you'll never have to use that palm again." Zander slipped the business card into his breast pocket. 

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Carly told Sorel to kiss her ass for even suggesting that he switch allegiance from Sonny's side to his. Sorel reminded Carly that once he killed Sonny, he would be able to have anything he wanted -- including Carly, including Sonny's empire, including that really divine set of crystal brandy snifters over there. Carly was just about to throw her body in front of the brandy snifters to protect them from harm when Alexis came to the door and distracted Sorel. He forced Alexis into the apartment and told her he'd kill her if she didn't tell him where Sonny was. Alexis sort of rolled her eyes and said, "You've been brandishing a gun for hours here and you haven't killed anybody yet; why should I believe that you're suddenly going to start with me?" Alexis spotted Jill Farren Phelps rubbing her hands and licking her lips from the corner of her eye and decided to stop being a smart-ass and take Sorel at his word. Realizing she couldn't be a hero and save the brandy snifters, Carly threw her body in front of Alexis instead and demanded that Sorel leave Alexis alone. Sorel said that if Sonny didn't call within the hour, both women would die. Carly prayed that she remembered to turn the ringer on the phone on again. When Sonny finally did call, Carly was disappointed to hear that all he wanted to know about was how the plants were doing and if the brandy snifters were still intact. "If that's the way you're going to be," Carly hissed, "I don't want you ever coming over here again!!" When Sorel asked who that was, Carly replied with a cheerful smile, "Wrong number!" 

Meanwhile, as he was going to visit Alexis, Zander overheard Sorel screaming in Sonny's apartment and realized that since Roy was nowhere to be found, it was up to HIM to save de widdle wimmins. Zander pressed his ear against the door and heard Sorel ordering Carly to tie Alexis up and make sure to brush her arm against Alexis's breast as she was doing so. When Zander heard that there might be a forced lesbian love scene happening, he was even MORE determined to get into the penthouse. Sadly, however, Zander's boner knocked into a chair and Sorel heard him, causing him to shoot Zander and point-blank range but nicking him only in the shoulder with the bullet. With Alexis tied up and the brandy snifters safe and sound, Carly decided to jump over the couch and throw herself onto Zander to protect him from further harm. She told Sorel to leave them all the fuck alone and please not force her to have lesbian sex with Alexis. "Who's holdin' de gun he-ah?" Sorel said in his tough mobster voice. "I'd like to phone a friend," Carly whimpered. Alexis managed to get herself untied and ran to the door. Once again, Sorel shot at her at point blank range but missed her entirely. Jill Farren Phelps cursed him silently. Just when all hope seemed lost, Sonny showed up and asked Sorel if he wanted to speak to him. Carly was secretly thrilled that Sonny loved her enough to come and save her, but her happiness quickly turned to disappointment when she saw Sonny eyeing the brandy snifters with heartfelt concern.

Helena finally minded her manners and introduced Lucky to Stavros. Stavros threatened to kill Lucky but Lucky overpowered him, causing Stavros to demand more electro-stimulation to his muscles to make him stronger and more powerful than the Incredible Hulk. Helena got all juicy at the sight of her son acting so domineering but told him that there was a point to Lucky's programming and that it was essential to leave him alive and healthy until the writers decided what that point would be. Meanwhile, Luke and Felicia got into a truck that contained a lot of chemicals being sent to Helena's underground lair and Luke realized that he'd heard of some of those chemicals before: they had been used during Desert Storm. Felicia blinked a while and said she'd only been a little girl during that war. Luke rolled his eyes. "Desert Storm, Felicia!" he said. "Not Vietnam!" Felicia just nodded numbly. 

At Nik's cottage, Laura was in the process of finally telling her son how proud she was of him and showing him such much-deserved attention when Nik saw Helena spying on them through the window. He immediately began to berate Laura for leaving him on the Island and accused her of not loving him as much as Lucky because Nik reminded her of Stavros, her rapist. "But Lucky reminds me of my other rapist!" Laura protested. Nikolas ordered her to leave his home because the sight of her and her monochromatic pantsuit were making him ill. Laura whimpered away. Helena revealed herself to Nikolas and congratulated him on finally putting Laura in her place. She then asked Nik if he was serious about re-joining the Cassadines. Nikolas lit a cigarette, took a long drag off it and slowly released the smoke before looking Helena square in the eye and saying, "What's it to ya, lady?" Helena got all juicy at the thought of Nikolas acting more and more like Stavros. She told Nikolas he was more than welcome to re-join the family -- under one condition! He had to kick Gia out of his life and out of his home. "I don't want to alarm you, my darling," she said, "but there are rumours circulating that Gia may be black." Nikolas said that was a rotten, stinking LIE and demanded that Helena take it back. Helena refused to budge

Stavros broke into Laura's house and went through her things. After sniffing her panties and fondling her bras, he found an old letter that Laura had written to Luke while she was held captive on the Island, professing her undying love for Luke and saying how she had to keep her emotions from Stavros. Being the sneaky bastard that he is, Stavros slipped a picture of himself and Laura into her photo album to creep her out. Laura came home and was about to enter her house when Scotty showed up, asking if she felt like having supper and some sex. Laura told him she wouldn't be a very good lay that night because she had other things on her mind, but offered to take a rain check. Scotty limped away like a kicked dog. Laura soon realized she had made a terrible mistake by sending Scotty away when she entered her house and saw the picture of herself and Stavros. She ran onto her porch and yelled for Scotty but he yelled at her through the darkness, "You had your chance!" She then saw a red rose laying on the porch with her engagement ring tucked into it and freaked out even more. She rushed back into the doorway, afraid to go inside and afraid to go outside. Stavros lurked on the stairway behind her. The writers quickly realized that an actual confrontation between them would be too pleasing to the viewers and cut the scene short. "We must drag this out till nobody cares anymore," they read in their production notes. Laura trembled.

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