June 15, 2002 ~ Mikey was surprised when he and Leticia went to Sonny's penthouse and he saw Carly there. Carly called him Mr. Man and hugged him close. "My Mommy says not to talk to strangers," Mikey said, pulling Leticia closer to him. Leticia shrugged. Mikey decided to tolerate the Pretty Blonde Lady when she promised to bring him to Burger King to get him a Whopper Junior and some funky Men In Black II sunglasses. Later, back at Leticia and Mikey's house, Carly explained to Mikey that she would be moving into the house and that Uncle Sonny would stay at the penthouse. "You fucked up again, didn't you?" Mikey asked. Carly nodded and burst into tears. "Oh for pete's sake, don't cry over Sonny!" Mikey said. "I'm not crying over Sonny," Carly said. "I'm crying cuz you weren't enough to keep him chained to me!" Mikey rolled his eyes. "I'll be spending a lot more time with you," Carly said. "Now I'm sad!" Mikey frowned before bursting into tears himself.

Jason tried to scare Felicia into giving up her share of Pier 1 Imports but Felicia scared him right back by saying after THAT little display of coercion, she was never EVER going to have sex with him. "I'll grow a mullet!" Jason yelled as Felicia disappeared into the distance. Jason was left on the docks with the remnants of the romantic dinner that Roy had arranged for himself and Felicia to share. Luckily, Sonny showed up at just that moment. He and Jason caught each other's eye over the still-smouldering candle and decided it would be criminal to let a good pate de fois gras go to waste. "Liverwurst?" Jason said, holding out a cracker. "I thought you'd never ask," Sonny replied. (TOP)

June 16, 2002 ~ Liz was released from the hospital. Jason celebrated her return by buying her a new door, while Zander celebrated with a night light. "My gift cost more than yours," Jason said. "Go fuck yourself," Zander replied. While they argued, Liz flashed back to being held hostage in the crypt. The guys barely noticed her suffering, as they were too busy trying to give each other a wedgie.

Roy bought Maxie a car and was rewarded with a girly squeal from Maxie who promptly proclaimed Roy "the best" and leaned over to hug him, bearing her chubby boobies. Roy was all proud of himself but judged by Felicia's reserved reaction that maybe buying a car for an arson-avoiding, blow job-giving teenaged slut wasn't that great of an idea. "I guess I didn't think this through very well," Roy said. Felicia let it go. "It's allright, Mullethead," she said. Later, as she walked through the park, Jason tried to intimidate her once again. "Roy is using you," Jason said. "And you wish it was you, don't you?" Felicia retorted. Jason stared at her and dissolved into tears. "Borgie got a woody now!" Jason said before running squealing into the bushes.

Ned informed Kristina that Alexis was pregnant and that he was the father. Kristina was justifiably angry and upset, saying she couldn't believe that Alexis and Ned would betray her so easily. "Well, you ARE kind of annoying," Ned said. Kristina burst into tears and said that if Ned wanted to make her happy, he should get the fuck out of her face. She then stormed to the gatehouse door, opened it and yelled, "GET OUT!" "But this is MY---" Ned began. "GET OUT!" Kristina bellowed again. Ned moped out the door and realized that Kristina was a little too big for her britches, throwing him out of his own house and that maybe getting her out of his life might not be THAT bad of an idea. (TOP)

June 17, 2002 ~ Felicia slapped Jason. I had an orgasm. ~ Jason asked Felicia to consider the possibility that Roy was using her and that when he had been so surprised at the sight of all the money, that maybe Roy had just been acting. "Acting? HA HA HA HA!" Felicia said. Jason asked if Felicia wasn't going to apologize for slapping him. "Nah," she replied, "it felt too fucking good." "Fair 'nuff," Jason said and scooted away when his Liz-dar told him Liz was in trouble.

"What happened to scare you so bad?" Jason asked Liz when he got to her studio. "Bogey man," Liz whispered. Jason whipped his gun out and asked her to tell him --- just tell him -- where that bogey man was and he'd shoot the shit out of it. "Well, I was just using that as a metaphor for my residual fear and panic after being kidnapped and kept in a crypt," Liz explained. "Well, I already shot the shit out of the guy who kidnapped you so I guess there's nothing I can do here anymore," Jason said, before spinning his gun around his index finger and shoving it back into the back of his pants.

Carly threatened to tell Sonny that Alexis' baby was really his, but realized that, you know, she'd have to take a cab over to Sonny's place and she had all those heavy Gap bags and stuff.

Sonny went over to Carly's to tell her to get her ass back over to his penthouse. Mikey came downstairs and said, "The Pretty Blonde Lady keeps coming over here, Uncle Sonny. Do something! Now!" Sonny promised Mikey that he'd get Carly away from him and his Mommy soon. Mikey and his mom then left for the movies to see The Powerpuff Girls Movie. "That Bubbles gives me a boner," Mikey said. "I hear ya, man," Sonny said. "Stop trying to be cool," Mikey snapped. Sonny deferred. When Carly showed up, Sonny demanded that she come back to the penthouse with him, but she reminded him that he had chosen Alexis and her baby over Carly herself. "You-a my wife-a!" Sonny said, "and you-a cumma home-a widda me! You know how-a many Virgin-a Maria statues I hadda to buya da churcha to get them to ignore-a da divorce!?" Carly stood firm and told Sonny to leave, but immediately called Jason up. "Can we have revenge sex?" she asked. Jason shrugged. "No revenge sex, but I *can* give you a sanctimonious speech about honesty and loyalty," he replied. "That'll do," Carly said and slinked into her sexiest negligee. (TOP)

June 18, 2002 ~ Alexis and Ned were summoned over to the Quartermaine mansion by Edward, who congratulated them on their upcoming bastard child. "Why break with tradition at this point?" he laughed. Ned and Alexis told Edward to take his phoney pride and shove it, and were prepared to leave when Lila showed up. "Edward said you had a surprise for me," she said. Ned announced that he and Alexis were indeed expecting a child. "Oh, another child for you to fuck up like Brook Lynn," Lila said sweetly. Lila then said she had a million and one things she'd like to plan for their wedding and was stunned when Ned and Alexis said they had no plans to be married. "Don't make me release the poison gas," Lila threatened, reaching for the red button on her wheelchair. Alexis made a mental note to bring her gas mask the next time. "You will obey," Lila said. "Just humour the bitch so we can get out of here," Ned whispered. "I'm under your control," Alexis replied to Lila, "please push me around." "That's more like it," Lila cooed.

Meanwhile, Kristina went over to Sonny's penthouse to ream his ass about breaking Alexis' heart. "You had a great woman," Kristina said, "and instead you chose to go back to your obnoxious, hateful, spiteful, evil, stupid, pathetic, whiny, smirking, snarling, arm-grabbing, shrewish, cunty, irritating, irredeemable, brainless, idiotic, ferret-faced, bitchy, annoying, thick, predictable, sickening cow of a wife!" Hearing Kristina list all of Carly's wonderful qualities gave him a bit of a stiffy so Sonny feigned disgust at her ranting so he could be alone and masturbate. "You no speak-a about-a my wife-a thatta way-a!" Sonny bellowed. "Next-a time-a I see-a you-a face-a, I tell my manna, Johnny, to-a smack-a the tears-a right offa you-a face-a!" "Did I mention your wife is a douche bag?" Kristina said on her way out. Sonny slammed the door shut behind her and then ran upstairs with his baby oil and a box of tissues.

Carly decided it would serve Sonny right if she fucked her own life up by getting him jealous by sleeping with Jason. She laid out all of her lingerie and picked what she considered the sexiest outfit to seduce him with. "Ahh, this little black number will get Jason horny!" she exclaimed gleefully. "Too bad that guy would never touch me with a ten-foot pole!" The world shifted on its axis as the entire viewing audience yawned AND rolled its eyes at the same time. (TOP)

June 19, 2002 ~ Michael was sent off to spend the night with Grandma Bobbie. On their way out, Michael said, "Explain to me once again, Bobbie, why I call you Grandma even though you're not my  mother's mother." ~ Carly invited Jason over for supper and sex and then told Sonny to come over to get Michael, hoping that he would catch her and Jason in bed together. Sonny showed up and followed the trail of bread crumbs leading upstairs to the bedroom, whereupon he heard Carly sobbing uncontrollably about how much she loved Sonny and how miserable she was without him. "Pathetic-ness always-a make-ma my dick-a hard," Sonny thought to himself and pulled out his portable masturbation kit to get off a quick one while listening to Carly degrade and debase herself some more. "The skank-a," he moaned, "she know-a how-a to make-a a manna feel like a king!"

Liz was frightened of the thunderstorm and ran into the stairwell, promptly getting herself locked inside. She banged furiously on the door to get someone's attention and luckily Zander came by. "Zander, I'm trapped in the stairwell!" Liz screamed. "Are you pushing or pulling?" Zander asked. Liz pushed on the door instead of pulling and slapped her forehead when she was Zander. "D'oh!" she said. They went to her studio and had a good laugh about what happened and then decided to cap off the evening with a nice round of spit-swapping.

Luke and Laura went to the attic and Laura started to remember what she saw in the attic that caused her such trauma. "I don't want to remember!" Laura said, trembling. "It's okay, I'm here," Luke reassured her. "Tell me what you see." Laura said she could see a Smiley Face lamp ... an old mirror .. and a naked woman writhing erotically on top of a naked Rick. "That sounds hot," Luke said. "Tell me more." Laura sobbed and said that seeing Rick with another woman forever turned her off the woman-on-top position. "Thank goodness they weren't doing it doggie style," Luke chuckled. Laura gave him a playful punch on the shoulder. "Oh, you!" she cooed! (TOP)