July 22, 2002 ~ Sonny and Carly fought with one another after Sonny told Carly that he knew she loved him and she denied that she loved him at all. "In fact, I hate your guts!" she hissed. "Hey, this is just like Cheers!" Sonny laughed. "The whole love/hate thing! I'm handsome like Sam!" "And I'm skinny like Diane!" Carly said cheerfully. She denied loving Sonny so Sonny dropped the bomb that her doctor had called. "You're going to have another meal ticket!" Sonny squealed in delight. Carly was so stunned by the news that she decided to have really hard first-trimester sex with Sonny. Their coitus was interrupted by a phone call announcing that Sonny was needed on the docks overlooking Pier 1 Imports. "You're leaving me?" Carly raged. "Well, I jerked off earlier and had nothing more to give you anyway," Sonny said, pulling his shirt on. "I hate you, Sam Malone!" Carly snarled. "I love you, too, Diane Chambers," Sonny said and sped away in his Corvette.

Jason went to Liz's studio and stood constipated as he watched Liz and Zander make out with one another. He slipped away quietly before penetration occurred and in his murderous rage, decided to set fire to Pier 1 Imports. "Roy DeLucca must pay!" he said as he threw a match onto the gasoline. "He made it too damned tempting for Elizabeth to make out with Zander!"

When Roy said he wanted to live in a penthouse at Harbour View Towers, Felicia accused him of wanting to be like Sonny. "If that's your goal, you better shave the mullet and buy some Brylcreem," she snapped. Roy took out his "To Do" pad and scribbled that down. "Brylcreem. Check!" he said. "Now can we make out?" "Sure," Felicia said, and a lot of spit-swapping ensued. Fortunately, this was all interrupted by a phone call informing Roy that Pier 1 Imports was on fire. "How bad is it?" Roy asked. "The wicker is burning like a motherfucker," the informant said. "Curse that patio furniture!" Roy hissed. (TOP)

July 23, 2002 ~ Felicia and Roy watched as Pier 1 Imports burned down. "Our pier was just burnt down by the most dangerous man on the Eastern seaboard," Felicia announced. "You mean Tony Soprano!?" Roy exclaimed excitedly. Felicia just rolled her eyes and gave Roy That Look. "You're a fine piece of ass," Roy cooed. "You're a fine piece of mullet," Felicia cooed back.

Courtney's dancer friend, Wynona, told her that there was a dude out there handing out $100 bills like there was no tomorrow and that Courtney should give him a lap dance for extra cash. Courtney dolled herself up but realized just in time that the generous dude was, in fact, Sonny. "I can't dance for him!" Courtney said. "That's Sonny Corinthos!" Wynona gushed, "You mean Sonny Corinthos, the most dangerous man on the Eastern seaboard?!?" "No, Sonny Corinthos, the pussy-whipped asshole chained to his wife's pussy," Courtney said sarcastically. "Ohhh, I was thinking about someone else," Wynona chuckled.

Meanwhile, Roy and Sonny continued their discussion at the Oasis club. "This place has gone downhill," Sonny fretted, "it was a perfectly respectable home for wayward girls when *I* owned this property." Roy shook his head sadly. "It's sad what the world is coming to. Hey, look at those  huge hooters!" Both Sonny and Roy high-fived each other.

Mike reamed AJ's ass for not taking proper care of Courtney. "Oh, Courtney's fine!" AJ said. "I mean, sure she works two jobs but it's not like she's STRIPPING or something!" Mike thought about it and said yeah, maybe AJ had a point.

Jason pleaded with Felicia to trust her instincts and just have sex with him already.

Meanwhile, taking a break from her Senatorship of New York State, Hilary Clinton found time to interview Gia for a British fashion magazine. "I loved your husband when he was president," Gia gushed. "Slut," Hilary muttered. (TOP)

July 24, 2002 ~ Today was honestly SO BAD that I think the show finally managed to mock itself. I have absolutely nothing to say about the piece of crap episode we were given today. (TOP)

July 25, 2002 ~ Laura had another flashback to her attic experience and Luke suggested they get Liz to do a sketch of the woman that Laura was seeing in her dreams. Liz worked on the sketch and Laura commented on how good Liz was at this stuff. "She's amazing," Luke agreed. Liz handed them the sketch and said, "I hope you like it. I threw a bit of wind in there to make it more artsy." "You and your wind," Luke said with a playful punch to Liz's shoulder. Liz announced that she had to run out and do some errands but that Luke and Laura could just stay behind and leave whenever they were ready. "You must want us to lock the door securely, considering you were kidnapped recently and stuff," Luke said. "Nah," Liz said, and toddled off.

Sam and Diane found themselves in Martinique and had an argument because Diane really believe that Sam thought Carla was a way better waitress than she was. Sam growled and said he did everything to please Diane and still she found reasons to be pissy. Diane decided to irritate Sam by chewing her gum loudly at the dinner table, but Sam could not be dissuaded. "In this light," he said with a gentle smile, "you're so beautiful, just like a cow chewing its cud in the moonlight." Diane felt her heart soften and her panties moisten.

Mr. and Mrs. Jacks showed up at Jax's house and were stunned to catch Skye there with creamy stuff all over her face. "Oh dear, we didn't realize we were interrupting a facial," Mr. Jacks said. Jax came out of the bedroom, wiping the excess off his penis and said, "Aw, shucks, Dad, if I'd have known YOU were coming, I'd have waited and we could have had one of our famous bukkake sessions!" Everyone chuckled. Skye looked bukkake up in the dictionary. (TOP)

July 26, 2002 ~ Mr. and Mrs. Jacks told Skye that they were going off hiking in the wilderness of Canada, the country with only two cable channels and six miles of paved highway, where they would drill for oil amongst the savages. "It sounds peachy keen," Skye said, "but I couldn't live without my hair dryer." "Oh dear," Mrs. Jacks replied, "these people haven't even heard of conditioner, let alone hair dryers!" Skye visibly shuddered. Later, Jax proposed to Skye but she informed him that she had unfortunately already sold her soul to Edward and wouldn't be able to marry Jax after all. "I understand," Jax said, "I still have a rock-hard boner for Brender anyway."

Sam and Diane frolicked around Puerto Rico. They did go for a swim but Sam insisted that Diane put her bathing suit on in front of him. Diane relented with a sly smile on her face, saying, "You see these two fried eggs on a plate? Well, this is the last time you'll ever see them!" A small woody was visible beneath Sam's dolphin-covered Wal-Mart swim trunks. Later, Sam and Diane confessed that their relationship would never survive Diane leaving for six months to finish her novel . "Then this is the end, my friend," Diane said. "Eh, I'll just fuck Kirstie Alley," Sam said. Diane smiled. "Oh .. you!" she gushed.

Laura confronted Rick about having sex with Karen Black in the garage attic. "She meant nothing to me," Rick insisted. "Yeah, but she scared the shit out of ME in Trilogy of Terror," Laura sobbed. Everywhere Laura went, everyday products reminded her of her repressed attic memories, leading her to shriek in terror every two seconds: "Agh! Swizzle sticks! Agh! Paper napkins! Agh! Letter-sized envelopes! Agh! A fork! Agh! A vial of blood being wheeled to the laboratory!" Whine, whine, whine. (TOP)