July 29, 2002 ~ Luke checked his ilovelaurabutialsolovemywhores@hotmail.com address on the hospital computer but Bobbie shoo'd him away. "You go 'way now, chile, and take care o' yo wife," Momma Bobbie said, swatting Luke on the butt with her broom. In the lounge area, Laura was freaked out by Rick when a loose thread on his blazer reminded her of something or other that she saw in the attic a thousand years ago. Luke took Bobbie's broom and swatted Rick away. "You go 'way now, Poppa, and go take care o' yo hos," Luke said. Laura said she wanted to go to the attic again just to sniff around again. "I feel strange hanging around Felicia's house," Laura admitted. Luke said not to worry about it cuz this was NUTHIN compared to how strange Rick and Scotty were going to feel in about five minutes when they started digging a massive hole in Felicia's back  yard. "Touché," Laura sighed.

Sonny and Carly had it out in Puerto Rico when Carly decided to tell Sonny the whole truth. "Come sit down on the couch while I confess," Carly said. "Allright," Sonny said, "but my Wal-Mart swim trunks are still a little damp." Carly laid a towel down on the couch and Sonny flip-flopped over there. Carly told him that she knew Alexis was pregnant long before he did and that she had assumed that the baby was his and that's why she didn't tell him. "You fucking whore!" Sonny bellowed while trying to remember his next line. "You better not sit there in that bikini with those perky little titties and tell me that you love me!" Carly sobbed, she was forgiven by Father Sonny and they went back to Port Charles just in time for Sonny to be arrested for impersonating a mobster. "Please-a! You tella my wife-a that I-a love her, ok?" Sonny sobbed. Taggert slapped Sonny upside the head and reminded him that he was Cuban, for fuck's sake, NOT Italian.

Roy was finally introduced to Ricardo Montalban and admitted to being damned impressed with Ricardo's wardrobe. "Nice threads," Roy said. "I thank you," Mr. Montalban said, "but in Europe we call them los treados." "You're so continental!" Roy gushed. "And you, my American friend, are such a mullet head," Ricardo intoned. Roy was so flattered that he put his morals aside, got down on all fours and said he'd be Ricardo's bitch and NOW, baby!

Meanwhile, Vanessa Marcil's body double's outer thigh made a guest appearance today. (TOP)

July 30, 2002 ~ Sonny was arrested for kidnapping Carly and bringing her to Puerto Rico, but Alexis assured the cops that Carly would come down and blame it on her chronic PMS any minute now. "I only took her to Puerto Rico to get to her Wrigley's," Sonny said. "You sick motherfucker," Taggert hissed. Sure enough, Carly came down and waved an Always Maxi-Pad in Taggert's face and said was it illegal for a woman to get a pointless restraining order against her husband? Was it illegal for a woman to use the New York State judicial system as one big cockteasing aid? Alexis muttered, "Ixnay on the easecocktay uffstay," because it was really aggravating her morning sickness.

Scotty and Rick were dismayed when a dog came by and ran away with Karen Black's skeletal cranium. "Great, how are we going to explain THIS one?" Scotty demanded. Rick knocked Scotty with his shovel and muttered to himself that he was going to bury that squinty-eyed bastard if it was the last thing he did. "I'm still alive," Scotty said. Rick cursed his shitty luck.

Skye accepted Jax's marriage proposal but begged him to please, please never leave her for Vanessa Marcil's body double's inner thigh. "I make no promises," Jax snarled.

Liz found Jason's keys on the floor and decided to enter his penthouse and put his leather jacket away, maybe fluff his pillows and do some dishes while she was there, but when she heard a noise at the door, she locked herself inside a closet instead. Sonny and Jason then entered the penthouse and began discussing business. "No, not here," Sonny said, "Let's move closer to the closet door while we discuss this sensitive information because you never know who might be listening outside the FRONT door." Jason shook his head and laughed, "Man, Sonny, I'm floored by how smart you are!" Sonny shrugged. "T'ain't nuthin," he said, snapping Carly's Wrigley. (TOP)