August 19 - August 21, 2002 ~ Sonny managed to pull off a quick jerk as he watched Courtney gyrate for the drunken crowd of 10 at the Oasis. After he wiped himself clean, Sonny rushed up on the stage and threw his blazer over Courtney and told the men to back the fuck off. "Only I may jerk off over my sister!" Sonny bellowed. "Yes, Mr. Corinthos," they all said before slinking away. ~ Courtney told Sonny she didn't want him interfering with her stripping career and refused to listen to his stories of all the ho's and skanks he himself had helped get addicted to drugs, cheap sex and men in polyester suits. Sonny decided that it was perfectly honourable and respectable for the head of the mafia to lay low while men from all over upstate New York flocked to the Oasis to get boners over the sight of his naked sister. "I won't interfere," Sonny said. "If the mob hasn't killed me yet for forgiving and fucking three bitches who wore wires, why would they take me task over letting my sister strip in a seedy club, right?" He and Courtney shared a hearty chuckle and Sonny showed her how to properly squeeze her breasts together in order to get better tips. "And never wear pants," he said. "Pants ruined Karen's career!" Courtney wrote that down in her 101 Things I Have To Remember About Stripping notebook.

Meanwhile, Sonny decided the best way to keep Courtney's stripping a secret would be to tell his  big-mouthed, AJ-hating wife all about it. "It's just a matter of time before he shoves HER down a flight of stairs and dynamites her ovaries," Carly sniffled submissively. "I don't want to talk about my sister's ovaries," Sonny said, "but you can talk about her tits if you want to." "They're soft and fluffy," Carly replied obediently. "Keep going, keep going," Sonny said, "Mr. Spermy is almost getting hard again!"

Back at the lamest engagement party of the century, Skye argued with Edward about the contract she signed with him and Edward ended up having a stroke. Luckily, Alan and Monica were there to perform emergency Much-Question-Asking. "Shouldn't you be doing some CPR?" Jax asked. "What the fuck's he talking about?" Monica hissed to Alan. "Some Australian thing, I think," Alan replied. Edward managed with his dying breaths to vow revenge on Skye and Jax. "Oh, you're too late old man," Skye snickered, "Vanessa Marcil's coming back and once that happens, I'm dead in the water anyway." Edward cackled maniacally, which only made his stroke worse. Sadly, Lila herself did NOT suffer a stroke when she heard of Edward's stroke. She just released poison gas on the servants and did wheelies in her wheelchair.

Jason went to the Oasis to keep an eye on Courtney as Sonny had instructed him to do. When a drunk jumped onstage and tried to dance with Courtney, Jason rushed up there and rescued her. "Thank you, Green Lantern," Courtney said. "I only wish I had an AIDS quilt to wrap around you," Jason said dejectedly. Coleman insisted that Jason pay $100 for a table dance from Courtney and Jason eagerly dished his money out. He was disappointed, though: "I thought you were really going to dance with a table," he pouted.

Tony Jones explained that Edward's condition was serious and that maybe the family better think about how long they'd want to keep him alive by artificial means. "I don't know if anyone here has a problem with it, but I say pull the plug right now," Alan said with a shrug. "But there's a good chance he may survive," Tony said, puzzled. "I said PULL THE PLUG," Alan said through clenched teeth. "I hope he dies," AJ said. "You no-good fucking bastard!" Alan and Monica shrieked. "Have you no respect? Have you no decency? How dare you wish death upon your grandfather!" "But you guys were just---" AJ started but Monica interrupted, "Oh please! We were discussing doctorly things but you! You had to interject your venom into all of this!" AJ just shook his head and walked away. "What a horrible fucker!" Monica hissed. "Sometimes I wish he WAS Rick Webber's son," Alan said.

AJ went to Edward's bedside and told the guy that while he was a fucking bastard, he WAS responsible for where AJ was today -- with Courtney, the best thing that ever happened to him, and for that he was grateful. Edward motioned for AJ to remove the oxygen mask from his mouth and whispered, "You're going to feel like such a fuck when Guza pairs her off with Jason," before collapsing back into unconsciousness. "He has a point," Courtney said from the doorway. AJ rushed to hug her. "No, really: I think I'm going to win this one!" AJ said, to the cackling laughter of everyone on the set.

Nik and Gia went to the locker and unlocked it with the key that Nikolas stole from Rick Webber's personal belongings. Gia was disappointed when she saw it was just a human skull in a knapsack. "I was hoping it would be a whole alien nation in there, like in Men In Black 2," she sniffled.

Lila asked Ned if he would look after ELQ while Edward was in the hospital suffering and stuff. "I don't really feel like it," Ned said. "Then you DIE!" Lila screamed, pushing the red button on her wheelchair to release the bloodthirsty and meat-starved hounds on him. "Alright, I'll do it, you freaking nut," Ned said. Lila cackled with glee and did some more wheelies around the Quartermaine living room. ~ Later, Ned contemplated proposing to Alexis but she strongly recommended he NOT do it. "Although," she said, "I must say I've been itching to ditch a man at the altar ever since I left that asshole I was going to marry a couple of years ago." "That was me," Ned said. "Oh yeah," Alexis said. She chewed on  her pen a moment, delighted in the memory and then went back to work. (TOP)