September 9, 2002 ~ Felicia and Roy made plans to hook up later that evening for some porn and Chianti but their plans were interrupted by a mood-ruining kidnapping. Felicia wanted to call the cops but Roy said there was no point in bringing the cops into something that could be solved by mobsters. Felicia wondered what the FUCK she'd been thinking. Roy went off to find Alcazar and threatened to kill him if he didn't return Maxie and Georgie. "I'm not afraid of your idle threats," Alcazar laughed. "Then I'll give you a mullet if you don't hand them over!" Roy bellowed. With that, Alcazar quickly dialled the kidnappers and let Roy talk to Maxie. "Are you scared? Are you alright?" he asked. "They gave us hamburgers and pop and gave us an X-box!" Maxie squealed. "Let me talk to Georgie?" Roy asked. "She's busy playing Blood Wake," Maxie said. Roy swore he'd get them out of there as soon as possible. "Take your time," Maxie said as she yelled to Georgie to quit hogging the joysticks. "You cold-blooded bastard," Roy hissed to Alcazar.

Luke threatened to kill Scotty but was interrupted by Alexis, who calmed Luke down and then told Scotty she'd shoot him herself if he didn't stop squinting his little beady eyes. Alexis then went to the PCPD and told Luke to stop killing and/or threatening to kill people so he fired her. Again. Lucky went to see Luke in jail and assured him that Laura was in a great facility in London, complete with a Shakespearean acting troupe, and told Luke there was no reason for him to cover for Laura any more since she was clearly insane and couldn't stand trial. "Do you really think you're shifty old dad has any intention of going to jail?" Luke said with a wink. "Did you say shifty or shitty?" Lucky asked. "Shifty," Luke replied. "Oh," Lucky said.

Carly had a wonderful dream in which Sonny was murdered and woke up discouraged to see it was just a dream. She went downstairs to drink herself sick, in the hopes that she could  bring the dream back. Sonny came downstairs and they shared a very fast-forwardable moment of tenderness.  Meanwhile, across the hallway, Liz confessed to Jason that she had a splashy for him. "It's like a boner, but female," Liz sheepishly said. "You good with words," the Borg said, before confessing that he felt the same about her. "I've felt this way ever since I spied on you and Zander having sex and you were riding his dick like Mary Lou Retton on a pummel horse," he said. "That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me," Liz said with a smile. Jason told her that if they did end up together, he couldn't guarantee that she wouldn't be shot. "Jason, whether you're a priest or a jockey or a professional chess player, there's ALWAYS a chance I'll get shot," Liz said tenderly. Jason insisted she made a danged good case. (TOP)

September 10, 2002 ~ Jax followed someone to a motel room and was disappointed when he saw it was Skye and not Greta Garbo. "Greta Garbo is dead," Skye said. "Shut your mouth, you dirty slut!" Jax sobbed.

A henchman came to pick Felicia up outside Kelly's so she could go see her girls, but Roy insisted he go along since he'd never seen a real XBox before. "Mr. Alcazar doesn't want to see your primate face," the henchman said. Felicia hugged Roy goodbye and left with the goon, whispering in Roy's ear as she hugged him that she'd take pictures of the XBox with her little miniature spy cam. Felicia saw her girls and made Alcazar an offer: "Send the girls home and take me instead!" Alcazar pondered his options and admitted that having sex with Felicia instead of the girls WOULD make him feel a little less like R.Kelly. "You've got yourself a deal," Alcazar said. Maxie and Georgie were released and told Roy that Alcazar had a message for him: "Hold up your end of the bargain: get rid of the mullet!" Roy growled: "Never! Never will I cut my hair, not even if it means Felicia has to lose her life!" Maxie and Georgie nodded sympathetically. "I'm really attached to my hair, too," Maxie giggled. "You're less slutty than you were this summer," Roy said. Maxie blushed.

Brenda pleaded with Diana to help her warn Sonny and Jax about Alcazar's plans to have them killed, but Diana was wary and afraid. "Come on," Brenda said, "didn't all that hot lesbian sex we shared MEAN anything to you?" Diana injected the pillow with the drug intended for Brenda and promised she'd call Sonny. The pillow suffered massive hallucinations. Later, Brenda faked an ankle injury to get the guard inside her room. Once in there, she flirted with him so she could steal a flare gun from the emergency kit. "I'd have sex with you, but I'm a lesbian," Brenda said. "That's okay," the guard said, "cuz I'm gay, too." For some reason this really turned them both on and they decided to make out for real. Sadly, Alcazar interrupted them and said he'd be really pissed off if he hadn't just pulled one off with Felicia Scorpio.

Courtney asked AJ to be patient with her until she was ready for sex again. "All I can see is you watching me dancing naked in front of all those drunks," Courtney said. "See, you'd think that'd make you MORE horny," AJ said, "not less!" Courtney gave him a noogie and said she was off for work. AJ was pissed off when he went to Kelly's and saw Courtney talking with Coleman, who had offered her a job at Jake's. "No dancing this time, just topless waitressing," he said. Courtney smiled, "Well, I guess that's not asking TOO much of me!" AJ told Coleman to take his money and go away. Courtney was so turned on by the idea of topless waitressing that she dragged AJ home and fucked him, but really really hard! (TOP)