Monday
September 24

And there's the money shot!
 

*** Sonny told Angel that she had no damned right to sleep with Jax before Sonny had had the chance to boink her. Angel told Sonny that the whole world did not revolve around him and his winky. Sonny started crying and said, "You take that back!" Angel told him he was a big pussy pants and stormed out of his office, then tracking Carly down to ask her if she was pleased with herself for having told Sonny about her affair with Jax. Carly said that as a matter of fact, she was darned pleased with herself and joined Angel in a celebratory glass of champagne. They soaked in the big celebratory glass of champagne for a few minutes, until their fingers got all wrinkly and they realized the male patrons of the PC Grille were starting to throw money at them with demands to "take it all off." Angel reminded them that they could see her WITH it all off by ordering back issues of Playboy online. Carly sniffled because she had never been asked to pose for Playboy, only for Anorexics Weekly. Angel snickered triumphantly.

*** When the DNA test results from Chloe's body came back, Stefan and Alexis were stunned to realize that the DNA matched Stefan's. Alexis pointed out that the match was so close that it could only come from Stefan OR a full-fledged blood relative. Stefan shushed her and asked her to answer the most important question of all: would he be getting more airtime?

*** Laura went to see Stefan in jail and told him that she believed he didn't kill Chloe. She offered to help him prove that Helena did it if, in return, he would help her with Nik and Lucky. Stefan said oh sure, he would do everything he could for her from inside his dadgum prison cell, and Laura thanked him profusely. Stefan took out a little pad of paper and made a note to explain the word SARCASM to Laura.
 

Tuesday
September 25

I'd open my mouth like that, too, if Stavros was nearby >:)

*** Sonny and Jax argued over who was the bigger asshole. They finally agreed that while Sonny was the bigger asshole, Jax definitely had the worst hair. After Jax left, Sonny took a quiet moment to reminisce about the time he had to tell Mikey that they weren't returning to Mayberry. He dabbed a tear from his eye and went over to Carly's place to see Mikey, eat a few Raisin Glosettes and grab a quickie off of Leticia.

*** Carly and Angel argued with one another at the Port Charles Grille. No nipples were exposed in the process.

*** Melissa and Roy went to the cave that Luke had hinted at and were befuddled by a crude drawing of what looked like a man laying in what looked like a casket, but for the life of them, they couldn't decipher what the picture was actually depicting. "I think it's a box of Count Chocula," Roy speculated. Melissa openly admired his superior intelligence.

*** Laura had Stavros on the brain after she had discussed him at length with Stefan. She decided to go home and unwind, but being the great mother that she is, decided to clean up Lulu's toys. As she was doing so, she caught a glimpse of the mirror and was shocked and horrified to realize that she had grown a beard!

Wednesday
September 26

95 lbs of pure paper-shredding power!

*** Carly told Sonny that Angel was always going to remind him of the way Carly betrayed him. Sonny told her that he didn't need Angel to remind him. All he had to do was picture Carly laying on his bed after he found out she had betrayed him, decided he hated her and fucked her rotten. "I never hated you more than after I fucked you that night," Sonny said. Carly countered, "You can't hate me if you managed to get a stiffy for me!" Sonny snickered and patted her on the head. "It's nice to see you've kept your naïveté," he smiled.

*** A terrified Laura swung at Scotty with a baseball bat to prevent him from trying to get to second base with her. Scotty demanded to know why Laura was so terrified, but she told him she couldn't put him in any more danger than he already was and would he be a good little lapdog and go find Luke for her? She was pleased that Scotty left before he could squeeze a kiss out of her.

*** Meanwhile, Stavros stood outside Laura's house and played a game of She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not before playing a quick game of hopscotch. He then snuck into Laura's house to try and steal some of Lulu's great toys, but Roy and Lucky barged in before Stavros could get his hands on her Easy Bake Oven.

*** Helena warned Nikolas that Liz could not be trusted and that despite Lucky's insistence that HE had stolen the Ice Princess, she was still convinced that Liz had helped him to it. Nikolas rolled his eyes and told Helena that how hard could it be for someone to find and steal it when she had it sitting in a little chest out in the open with a big sign over it saying, "Don't look in here because you won't find the Ice Princess in here oh no you won't believe me you won't." Helena was too embarrassed to retort.
 

Thursday
September 27

"Idiot! The way you play Minesweeper, you'd swear you never saw a computer before in your entire life!"
 

*** Jax brought Kristina to Ned's gatehouse to see if Ned would hide her for a while, and was stunned to see that Kristina and Ned hated each other on sight. "He's a suit!" Kristina sneered. "Her hair color burned my retinas!" Ned sniveled. Jax smiled, "And yet I sense some manufactured sexual tension here!" Kristina and Ned looked at each other, blushed and decided living together might not be such a bad idea after all.

*** After visiting Stefan in jail, Laura ran to Felicia's house and asked to know if she by any chance had the disks that she and Luke had been trying to decode. Felicia went to a little box marked "Helena's stolen disks" and gave them to Laura. Laura thanked her and told her she didn't have time for a catfight right now but that if Felicia would give her a call later in the week, she'd get Elton to clear her schedule for her. Felicia said that sounded great, handed Laura her laptop and told her to have a great day. Laura told Felicia she liked her new hairdo and ran back to the jail, where she blew a guard in exchange for being able to bring her laptop into Stefan's cell. Once inside, she and Stefan maneuvered their way through the different levels and were stunned to see that Helena had indeed figured out a way to raise the dead. "Hey, just one look at her and she raises MY dead," Stefan chuckled. Laura told him to cut the bullshit cuz she had to be home soon to pick Lulu up from school and get in a good gargling.