Monday
October 1

Moments before the great escape, Stickman is all smiles.
 

*** Scotty acted all tough and tried to beat up on Nikolas, thinking that this would score him some brownie points with Laura. Laura decided that hanging out with her least favorite son would be better than risking having to smooch Scotty, so she told Scotty to go fix himself a sandwich and let her talk to Nikolas alone. When Scotty was out of the room, Laura let out this big old sigh and asked Nik what he wanted and whatever it was, to make it quick because the son she really loved might be needing her at any moment now. Nikolas told Laura that Helena wanted him to prove his dedication to the reclaiming the Cassadine throne by killing somebody.. "Yourself?" Laura asked hopefully. "No," Nikolas said, "Helena wants me to kill Elizabeth." Laura almost passed out from the shock and told Nikolas that he could kill anyone he danged well wanted to kill but for the love of shnikey, NOT LIZ! Not LIZ, for pete's sake! Oh goodness, no, NOT ELIZABETH! Laura then wondered why everyone she loves gets hurt while everyone she can't stand has to be in her house at that moment.

*** Stavros informed Helena that he thought it was a brilliant idea for her to test Nikolas' loyalty by ordering him to kill Liz. Helena asked how Stavros knew about the plan when it had been hatched in private only a few hours earlier. Stavros told Helena that in a particularly lame move, the writers decided to have Gia eavesdrop and then spill the beans to her extremely close friend and all-around confidante, Lucien Cain. Helena shook her head and said that she hoped some of the viewers would care that the sanctimonious Liz was going to get murdered, thereby making this "shocking" plot twist seem even a little bit interesting. Helena and Stavros were quiet a moment, before dissolving into uproarious laughter.

*** In what can only be described as a SHOCKING and UNFORESEEABLE plot twist, Gia rushed over to Liz's studio to warn her about Nikolas' plans. However, Liz was so danged snooty to Gia that Gia decided to fake amnesia. "Where am I? How did I get here?" Gia said convincingly. Liz smirked some more, sighed a few times and rolled her eyes at Gia, causing the braided one to remark how glad she was that she didn't warn Liz about the plan to have her killed. "What plan to have me killed?" Liz asked. "The one that I just said didn't even exist," Gia said. Liz nodded.

*** Lucky and Roy went to a seedy bar where they believed Luke had been hanging out. Roy's x-ray vision zeroed in on a chalk drawing of an empty casket. "This is weird," Roy said. "The casket in the cave had what looked like a STICK MAN in it, and this one is empty." Lucky agreed that it WAS pretty weird. They then shrugged and went inside, where Lucky quizzed a young woman who had spoken to Luke. He asked her a few questions about Geography and Math before the woman told him that Luke "asked [her] if she knew who was buried in Grant's Tomb." "DANG!" Lucky said, "and that was going to be my next question!" The bartender got jealous cuz Lucky was talking with the young lady, whereupon Roy and Lucky got into a fight in which some fists almost actually made contact with faces! They then whisked away to Grant Cemetery to desecrate some tombstones but instead found Luke sleeping inside a crypt. "We'll come back for the desecration party tomorrow night," said Roy. Lucky was disappointed.
 

Tuesday
October 2

Having worn out their decades-old copies of Newsweek, L&L fans now have a new picture to jerk off to!

*** Alexis told Kristina that she had once been involved with Ned but that things fell apart because that Julia Roberts movie, "Runaway Bride," came out right around that time. Kristina nodded sympathetically. Alexis later slipped out of the gatehouse to bitch at Jax for bringing Kristina to Ned's place and involving him in Cassadine affairs and to ask what he thought about her French braid look. Meanwhile, Kristina asked Ned about his history with Alexis. Ned sighed, "Did she explain the Runaway Bride thing?" Kristina nodded. Ned sighed again and said something about lazy writers and an executive producer who thought it would be "fun" to incorporate a blockbuster movie's theme into daytime. "They could have chosen Gladiator instead," Kristina suggested with compassion. "Billy Warlock wouldn't get into the lion suit," Ned said. There was silence.

*** Laura and Elizabeth needed a private, secure place to discuss the effects and dosage of the drug Liz was going to take to simulate death, so they decided to meet on the docks where surely NO ONE would run into them. Laura warned Liz about the dangers of taking the drug-simulation drug but Liz was determined to do whatever it took to help Lucky. Laura told Liz to take only four drops -- anything more could be lethal. "No wait, maybe Bobbie said three drops," Laura said. "Or was it five? Well, whatever. It's all the same. Happy maternity leave!" Liz put the bottle in her big fat purse.

*** Meanwhile, back at Liz's studio, Gia made a last-ditch attempt at seducing Nikolas, in the hopes that he would make love to her and maybe in his post-coital bliss, forget about his plan to murder Elizabeth. "There's only one thing keeping us apart, and that's Elizabeth's big fat belly," Gia sobbed. Nikolas held firm however and refused to soften towards Gia. His dick followed suit.

*** Melissa, Roy and Lucky brought a disoriented Luke to a cabin, whereupon Laura was summoned to come and help him. Roy warned Laura that Luke was floating in and out of time and place, and believed it was still 1979. Laura said that she hoped Luke would recognize her now that she was a big, successful businesswoman in really expensive and tasteful clothing. Roy ran out of the cabin rather than have to answer her. Laura was stunned to see the shape that Luke was in, how unshaven he was and how desperately the frayed edges of his suit needed mending. Luke took her hands and held her close to him. "They're real!" he stammered happily. "It's NOT a figment of my imagination! Those hooters really ARE real!" The GH theme played quietly in the background.
 

*** Carly tried to win Sonny back by showering him with confetti. Though his inner child was secretly delighted by her show of affection, his outer mobster ordered her immediate death.

*** Carly stormed over to the Deception offices and was stunned to find Gia in Laura's office, talking to Lucien Cain. She warned Gia to stay away from Lucien, at which point "Lucien" asked Carly to please accept his apology for their first meeting in the park, where he had forced himself upon her. He dimmed the lights, sat on the desk, lit a cigarette and told Gia and Carly a tale of love gone bad, betrayal gone awry, frozen testicles withering away from under-use.

*** Nikolas told Helena that he wanted Elizabeth's death to be quick and painless, even though viewer mail was pulling for long and agonizing, and added that he had decided upon poison as his weapon of choice. Helena clapped her hands in delight and told Nikolas she had a lovely assortment of vintage poisons he could choose from. When Liz showed up, Helena invited her for a special supper on Nikolas' yacht, where there would be plenty of great food, great wine and poison. "Did I say poison?" Helena laughed, "I meant poisson. Poisson. That's French for fish. Ha ha ha." Liz accepted the invitation with her usual sanctimonious smirk on her face.

*** Back at the cabin, Luke and Laura reminisced about the good old days, when the biggest problems in the world were little things like disappearances, avalanches, kidnappings and forced child-breeding. Laura then tried to get Luke to remember where the lab was. Luke said he had no idea where Foster was these days and he was pretty danged sure he wasn't a Lab.  Laura slapped him across the face and demanded that he pay attention, but Luke instead pulled her close to him and kissed her tenderly on the lips. At that moment, Scotty Baldwin stormed into the room, saw the kiss and demanded to know why the heck Laura is putting her lips all over Luke when she had told HIM earlier that she couldn't kiss him because she had a painful cold sore in her mouth. Laura was at a loss for words but hoped excessive eyelash-batting and an overall air of submissiveness would get her out of this little mess.
 

Thursday
October 4

Nikolas: And now for a traditional Greek toast: Down the hatch, you bitches!
 

*** Scotty was all bent out of shape when he caught Luke and Laura kissing and demanded that Laura come home with him. Laura explained to Scotty that Luke believed it was 1979 and that he was still in love with her, and that this might be her opportunity to get some nice big juicy sex. Scotty said that he would be more than happy to provide Laura with some big juicy sex, but Laura corrected herself and said that she meant big juicy sex with someone she could actually tolerate. Bobbie showed up after Laura left and told Luke she'd take care of him as he fought off the "flu" he thought he had. Luke said everything seemed really weird all of a sudden and that all the women in his life suddenly seemed much chestier than they'd been before. Bobbie shushed him and offered to rub his back as he fell asleep, just like she used to do with the johns in the good old days.

*** Gia was suspicious when she saw Gia and Helena chatting cozily on the docks, and ran off to find Lucky and demand that he do something to save Liz from whatever it was that Nik wanted to do to her. Lucky said that Liz had made her decision and he couldn't interfere with her life. Gia then pointed out that Liz and Nik were having supper together, and Lucky raced off to the yacht when he realized there would be food involved. Lucien then caught up with Gia and almost laughed his ass right off of the docks when Gia informed him she was late for a poetry reading. "If you're a poet, tell me a word that rhymes with pea," Lucien challenged. "Ummm ... butter?" Gia hedged. Lucien was satisfied and allowed her to leave alive.

*** Meanwhile, Stefan arranged for Alexis to be executrix of his estate and told her there would be plenty of money to take care of Kristina, Nikolas and Alexis herself in the event of his death. Alexis wanted to know why on earth Stefan was making HER the executrix of his estate when Stefan knew danged well that she didn't own a whip OR any leather. Stefan shook his head in frustration and told her it was time for her to grow the fuck up.
 

Friday
October 5

Not satisfied that the poison killed her, Nikolas now tries to strangle Elizabeth, too!
 

*** Determined to protect Kristina in his own way, Jax broke into Helena's hotel room and secretly took pictures of some documents she had in her drawers. He glanced around furtively to make sure nobody was in the room and that nobody would therefore see that he wasn't taking pictures with a miniature spy camera, but rather with an empty box of Chiclets that he just liked to PRETEND was a miniature spy camera.

*** Liz drank the wine with the death-simulator drug in it and fell into a deep, deathlike state of unconsciousness. Both Nik and Helena marveled at the way death made Elizabeth's stomach puff up so much. After Helena and her henchmen left, Nikolas pleaded with Liz to wake up. When she didn't, he started throwing ice water on her and slapping her across the face -- the former to wake her up, the latter just cuz he felt like it.

*** Stavros decided to take care of Lucky by throwing the bound and gagged Lucky into the Port Charles River. Stavros cackled delightedly as he watched Lucky drown, but Helena deeply chastised him for what he had done. "You're a very, very naughty boy, Stavros," Helena said. "If this is the part," Stavros said, "where I'm supposed to beg you to spank me, Mother, it's not going to happen." Helena pouted.