Monday
November 5, 2001

"Can't we all just ... GET ALONG?"
 

*** Though Alexis and Stefan managed to knock their guard out cold, they were still unable to escape, as Helena walked in with more guards and Bobbie Spencer. Stefan rolled his eyes and muttered to himself, "Great! The bitch I'm arguing with according to Star magazine and the bitch I used and discarded like a pair of dirty old tennis shoes." Stefan suspected he wouldn't be getting nookie from either of them.

*** Roy and Jax informed Luke that both Alexis and Bobbie were missing. Luke was desperate to get out of bed, but Roy convinced him to stay in bed and rest, while Jax said he'd get Alexis and Bobbie out of Helena's lair safely, with the help of a bottle of Crystal, some Quaaludes and a secret weapon called Mr. Snuggly Happy Pants. "You're going to fuck Helena?" Luke asked incredulously. "No," Jax said with a guffaw, "I'm going to literally seduce her with a sexy little sock puppet I made myself called Mr. Snuggly Happy Pants." Luke laid back in bed and wondered where Jax learned to do adventure work, before confessing to himself that the lad DOES have beautiful eyes and a way with sock puppets.

*** Luke and Nikolas were stunned to finally come face to face with Stavros, yet both had to admit that Stavros was looking DANGED fine for an unthawed psychopath. Stavros said he wanted to be a father to Nikolas, but Nik didn't want anything to do with it until Stavros released Gia as a gesture of good faith. Stavros then suggested that the four of them live happily ever after, all together in an underground hideaway. "Live with Nik AND Gia?" Laura chortled. "You're even crazier than you were before Luke killed you! I mean, sheesh! I'd rather have sex with Scotty than be stuck around these two cretins!" Stavros got all choked up. "That's my little hell raising bitch," he said through tears. Nikolas made a stupid move by pulling out the gun, which Stavros quickly took away from him. "You stupid shit," Stavros said with a shake of his head. Nikolas retorted angrily through gritted teeth that this sort of thing ALWAYS works in the movies, so why why WHY couldn't it work here? Stavros ordered his guard to bring Nik and Gia into the Too Stupid To Live Room while he showed Laura the love nest that he had designed for them -- an exact replica of the room they shared on the Island. "I will NOT have sex with you, Stavros!" Laura said with a quivering voice. "Why not?" Stavros demanded. "Look at me, for pete's sake! I'm GORGEOUS!" Laura tightened her jaw and turned away from him, lest his dark brooding eyes, perfectly trimmed beard and hyuck hyuck teeth cause her resolve to weaken.
 

Tuesday
November 6

"Heeeereeee's TONY!"

*** Alexis fantasized that Sonny came to save her from the Cassadines and was disappointed to wake up and see Stefan and Bobbie standing there. Stefan berated her for having dreams about Sonny when she was far too old for her and demanded that she have more dreams about Kristina in order to give Jamie Ray Newman more screen time. "I'm calling STAR!" Alexis sniffled. "Be my guest," Stefan snarled. Bobbie interrupted with some stuff about Sonny being Carly's husband, yadda yadda yadda, and Stefan got so desperate that he started unscrewing the bolts from an air vent with his bare teeth.

*** Sonny and Carly blah blah "You betrayed me" blah blah "You're my husband" blah blah Mikey Michael Mikey Mikey yadda yadda "I can't forgive you" blah blah "How come you can't forgive me?" yadda yadda ..

*** Laura was creeped out by the room Stavros had prepared for them but temporarily wavered when she saw a diamond necklace that Stavros and bought especially for her. She finally decided to just do the smart thing and knock over the entire tray of priceless jewelry that Stavros had laid out for her. "Knockee things over makee Stavie berry berry angry!" Stavros said while thumping his chest. Laura tried to discourage his advances by tossing a banana at him, but Stavros tried to lean in for a kiss anyway. Laura fought him off but ended up being knocked to the ground. Just as she was about to sink her teeth into Stavros' tender ankles, the door was busted open and Luke burst in, panting heavily and saying something about it being time for Stavros's lube job. Stavros chuckled.
 

Wednesday
November 7

After a visit from Rafiki, Lucky is ready to confront the Cassadines!
 

*** Luke and Stavros came to blows after Luke commented that the chain-yanking Helena would be the only woman ever capable of loving Stavros. Stavros pointed out that at least the woman who loved HIM knew how to add a little splash of color to her wardrobe. "Why you BASTARD!" Luke screamed, and lunged for Stavros. The scuffle ended with Stavros locking Luke and Laura in the love nest without any condoms. "Take that!" Stavros laughed. "I love you," Luke whispered to Laura. "Whatever," Laura yawned.

*** Back in the creaky ole Spencer attic, Lucky encountered the spirit of Elizabeth, who told Lucky to remember the truth and to hold on to love and that hope never dies and a bunch of other sappy crap. Lucky was afraid of confronting Helena until Liz reminded him, "Lucky, you ARE the son of Mufasa and Sarabi, and Helena always under-estimates that!" Lucky puffed up his chest and bounded towards the underground laboratory as African rhythms pounded in the background.

*** Helena rounded up everyone against whom she wanted revenge -- Stefan, Alexis, Luke, Laura, Gia and Bobbie -- while Stavros warned her not to touch a hair on Laura or Nik's heads. Helena told Stavros to "hush now, chile!" and proceeded to tell her assembled guests that the moment they had all been waiting for had arrived. "Welcome to End Game," Helena said. Everyone gasped in horror, while Nikolas was secretly delighted to think that all his years of playing Nintendo would finally come in handy!
 

Thursday
November 8

"C'mon, Roy! We don't have much time!"
"Right, Jax! Let's motor!"
 

***  "Begin the unnecessarily slow moving dipping mechanism!"
*** "Release the hounds!"
*** "And we'd have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for those meddlin' kids!"
*** "Zoiks!"
*** "Jinkies!"
*** "Herc! Herc!"
*** "To the batmobile!"
*** "Sha-ZAAM!"
*** "Here I come to save the dayyyyyyy!"
*** "Holy shitballs, Batman!"
*** "Alive! Alive! It's ALIVE!"
*** "WHAT? WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THIS CLIMAX-INDUCING MUSIC! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING???"
*** "What are you looking at?" "NOTHING!"
*** "Predacons! TERRORIZE!"
*** "Not so fast, MoJo JoJo!"
 

Friday
November 9

"That's it, Momma's Boy, you're outta here! And Marzipan's pants will explode no more!"
 

*** Felicia ran to Mac's office to inform him that everyone in her address book was missing and that she feared -- oh jinkies, how she feared! -- that they were all being held hostage in Helena's underground lair. Mac said he'd round up his most available and incompetent cops to get to the cave. When Flea insisted on tagging along, however, Mac told her to stay home and stay safe. "Oh Mac!" Flea said. "Who used to own a P.I. agency with you?" "You did," Mac said softly. "And who helped you crack the 'missing prize in Maxie's Crackerjack box case?'" she asked. "You did," Mac said with a smile. "And who helped you with the Sorel murder case?" Felicia further asked. "You did," Mac said. "And who fucked you over big time by running off with another man rather than staying home and taking care of you and the children?" Felicia asked sweetly. "You did," Mac sheepishly acknowledged. "There you go," Flea said, self-satisfied, "I think I've more than proven why I should be tagging along with you on this one." Mac kicked the toe of his shoe into the ground and said, "Aw shucks, Flea." Then it was off to the batmobile!

*** Jax, Roy, Bobbie, Alexis and a "captured" Helena got lost in the maze until Helena found a distracted moment to slip away. As she turned the corner, however, she saw a much older and wiser Bubbles and Blossom with their hands on their hips, warning Helena not to take another step. "Drat, those cursed Powerpuff Girls!" Helena muttered to herself.

*** Stefan worked on the computer and activated something called Fail Safe, which the writers wisely left entirely up to viewers to figure out what the heck it was. Some say a box of giant condoms; others say a poisonous gas would be leaked into the cave, killing all those inside; still others claim it was just a fancy way of telling Stavros it was time to get his teeth cleaned. Whatever it was, it caused Stefan and Lucky to rush out of the computer room and make their way to the outside world.

*** Scotty Baldwin saved Luke from falling into the bottomless pit. Laura was delighted to have Luke safe and sound but wondered why the fuck Scotty ALWAYS has to follow her everywhere. Luke told Scotty to get Laura outside safely while he himself would go after Stavros. With the warning of impending Fail Safe in the background, Luke confronted Stavros in the boudoir that Stavros had made for him and Laura. "You're a dead man!" Luke said. Stavros pulled out his sword and .... okay, wait a minute, I just lost my train of thought imagining Stavros with his sword in his hand .... Okay, I remember where I was now! Stavros ran away from Luke but slipped into the bottomless pit, clinging to the edge. Luke leaned down. "You're pathetic!" he taunted Stavros. "Ha!" Stavros retorted, "I'm leaving this stupid show and you're still here. Now tell me who's the pathetic one!" With that, Stavros let out a huge, bellowing laugh and released his grip, falling back into the bottomless pit.

*** Outside the cave, everyone was hugging each other, all thrilled and stuff to be safe. Nikolas told Laura that Stavros had helped him and Gia escape. Laura told herself that now Stavros REALLY never stood a chance with her. She did, however, find a moment to thank Stefan for keeping Lucky safe. "I guess I was wrong about you," Laura said. At the sound of her admitting actual RESPONSIBILITY for something, Fail Safe went haywire, exploded and shut down, just as Luke came tumbling from under the final steel door. "We're due for a happy ending," he said with a rogue-ish Luke smile.  "Then where the fuck is it?" Laura asked. The audience waited in rapt anticipation of his answer but instead got another soothe-all, shut-yer-mouths Luke and Laura hug.