General Shmospital Outtakes

Mac: Hi, Laura! Hi, Lulu! Welcome to my home!

Laura: Thanks for letting us in, Mac. We appreciate it!

Mac: Well, listen, make yourself at home. Fix some appliances if you'd like. I'm in the middle of a phone call but hey, feel free to yank the phone out of my hand and hang up on the person I'm talking to if you feel my conversation doesn't have anything to do with you. Oh and most importantly, Laura, please feel free to yell at either of my daughters to be quiet, but make sure you say it in a really ANGRY voice like you own the place, okay?

Laura: Wow, thanks, Mac! 

Mac: No problem! It'll be funny! Ha ha ha! Funny!

Laura: Well, hey, if you feel a need to yell at a kid, Lulu is more than happy to be yelled at, too.

Mac: I'll remember that. Lemonade?

Laura: Smashing!

Nikolas (internal monologue): Okay, pick up the phone. Good decoy. Look like you're about to make a call. Alright, now slowly reach into the pocket like you're looking for some change. Mmmm, that's it. Yep, fiddle around for some dimes. Yep, that's the spot. Alright now turn a little .. little more .. mmm, now dig! DIG! DIG WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT! Awww, baby, yeah, that's the spot ....

Amy (offscreen): You okay there, Nikolas?

Nikolas (nervously): Huh? Oh yeah. Yeah, Amy, just looking for a dime.

Amy: It looks like you're feeling up your balls!

Nikolas: Well, THANKS, Amy! Why don't you just pull up a microphone and--

Amy (over loudspeaker): Nikolas Cassadine is pretending to be using the phone in the Nurse's Station but he's really playing with his balls!

Nikolas: Fuck!  

Zander: Now get out that window, ho, before I gots ta slap ya anudder one!

Emily: Oh shut up with the "ghetto talk," Zander.

Zander: Woman! Do I gots ta give y'anudder talkin' to, bitch? Donchya be makin' me lay my skin 'cross yo' jigglebuttons!

Emily: That doesn't even MEAN anything, you idiot!

Zander: Bitch, why you be talkin' back t'yo man, ho! Ain't you got no sense God gave a whackin' stick?

Emily: Alright already. (in a monotone) You de man, Zander! You de man! You too cool, Zander!

Zander: Dere we go! Now get your skinny hatchback cross dat stay line and gimme sumfin to raise 'pon! 

Emily: It has to at least make SENSE, asshole!

Zander: Why you be op'nin' yo buggely bunions on da booby batch!?

Emily: That's it, I'm fucking jumping!

Zander: Dat's right, you jump yo' higgely-hoggely matchstick racebox car cross dat dere pane o' pain, woman!

(Lulu dials)

Operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Lulu: My mommy and daddy are gone.

Operator: Where are they, sweetie?

Lulu: They're trying to find my brother, Lucky, and they left me all alone. There's no food and I'm hungry. There's nothing to drink except water. I haven't changed clothes in two days! I'm scared. There are noises in the house and it's really dark at night. I think someone has been trying to break in at night!

Operator: Lucky's in TROUBLE?! Good girl! Good girl for calling! 

Operator hangs up. Lulu dials the phone again.

Lulu: Child Protective Services? My name is Leslie Lu Spencer ...

Social worker: Lucky Spencer's sister?!?!

Lulu: Oh fuck it, never mind.

Laura: Excellent! Oh YES! Now to change all of Marzipan's snide references to my wardrobe!

Luke: Oh darlin', I'm so happy! But, uh, leave the "Memwahs Of A Flea" in there. Don't delete that, okay?

Laura: Gotchya! Okay .. (typing) "Luke says to Laura, oh you look ravishing! You have never looked so lovely. ALL of your clothes are beautiful!"

Luke: Well, don't go TOO far ...! It still has to sound like her, you know?

Laura: Yeah, you're right. (thinking) Okay, I got it (resumes typing) "ALL of your FUCKING clothes are FUCKING beautiful!"

Luke: That's it, baby! Now THAT sounds like Marzipan!

Stavros: Where .. is .. Laura?

Helena: For pete's sake, Stavros my darling! *I* brought you back to life! *I* am the one who has slaved and worked and toiled to keep you alive! If it wasn't for me, you really would be dead instead of just seriously brain-damaged and asthmatic! And all you have to say is, "Where is Laura?"

Stavros: Where .. is .. Laura?

Helena: Fine! You ingrate! You want to know where Laura is? She's with Luke Spencer! She's with Luke Spencer! Are you happy now?

Stavros (raising eyebrow, intrigued): And has she softened at all on the "threesome" thing?

Helena: No. But *I* have!

Stavros: No thank you, Mother. That got old years ago. Run along and play with Andreas. I have a wife to woo! (yelling) Pants, people! Someone get me some PANTS!

Jackie: You are *so* busted, Stephen!

Stephen: Uhh, err, what are you talking about, Jackie?

Jackie (slamming door shut behind her): Stop trying to sneak into scenes, Stephen! Do you really think we can't see you there?

Stephen: But I just want, you know, even just my BANGS in the picture, okay? You don't even have to put ALL of me in the shot, just a little piece of my hair!

Jackie: No! Now you heard what the new Executive Producer said: "Let's make Stephen Nicholls' life miserable until he finally quits the show." Hey, I don't like it any more than you do, buddy, but I can't bite the hand that feeds me.

Stephen (getting up): ALRIGHT! I'm leaving, then! But mark my words, Jacklyn Zeman, you haven't been interesting since I seduced you on that island during your quickie divorce from Tony Jones! Your days are numbered, too, my pretty! YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED, TOO!

Jackie: A? Oh, AA-a-aA? Get him outta here.

A Martinez: You heard de lady, Stephen. Outta de scene. We gots work to do.

Stephen (tear falling down cheek): Now I know what it feels like. When doves cry.