10 Contrary to what GH would have us believe, Burt Bacharach is NOT appropriate rave music.

9 Kids dancing recklessly in the stairway could lead to a fad more dangerous than the die-hard "running with scissors" fad that killed and wounded so many in MY day.

8 We can swallow the neon lighting being replaced with fluorescent lights; we can buy the fact that the kids could hear themselves talking over the music, but are we really supposed to believe that the rave organizer would hire Audrey to chaperone?

Every teen's worst nightmare brought to life: "Elizabeth, remember, we're leaving this rave at 9:45 so I can be home in time to watch Matlock. Lucky dear, please get those bangs out of your face! Zander, darling, please stop slipping drugs into everyone's drinks. Children! Children! Enough dancing on the stairs! If you don't start behaving, I am going to turn this rave RIGHT around and we are ALL going home ..."

7 Women sober AND having consensual sex.

6 Ecstacy pills are really nothing more than Flintstones Vitamins widdled down to an appealing, illegal-looking oval shape.

5 No cheap sex happening on the living room floor.

4 Drink called Toxic Rum Punch is really just blue Kool-Aid mixed with butterscotch Life Savers.

3 No gag Fly-In-The-Ice-Cube in the punch bowl and no condom water balloons being tossed around.

2 "You want some date rape drugs for your lady friend, there?" "No way! My parents prepared me for this moment so I am going to exercise my right to say NO TO DRUGS."

And the NUMBER ONE Thing That Was "Off" At The Rave Is .......

Sequin-shorted DJ keeps beckoning the kids to "get down and sweat to the oldies!"

Is it just me, or is this guy a little fruity?